Monday, February 16, 2004

Are you talking to ME?

My hormones are running amuck.  I'm either having multiple hot flashes a day, or some of my memories are so vivid I'm re-living past summers.  The ones when I didn't have air conditioning.  I feel like an adolescent.  I keep looking in the mirror to see if my body has changed any since yesterday.  Like a teenager I'm giddy one moment and sullen the next.  I feel like no one understands me.  I think I'm too fat and I hate my hair. There are moments when all I want to do is run up to my room and slam the door.  Now that I'm old enough to stay up and party all night, I'm too tired to do it.  Why am I still breaking out?  Isn't there a rule that once you start getting wrinkles, you never, ever break out again?  It should be a one or the other law.  My beauty secret is mixing Clearasil and Oil of Olay together in equal parts.  I went to the Eckerd Drug Store on Saturday to look for some remedies.  Walking up and down the aisles made me feel even worse.  Were they kidding?  Why does cellulite cream come in such small bottles?  It should be available in vats.  'Thigh Firming Cream'.  Guaranteed to work.  I wonder if I can rub it all over my body?  Make everything firm.  I got two bottles of that.  Thank God I have a job.  It's going to cost me a fortune just to look like I did.  I may need to take out a loan.   I went to Victoria's Secret to get something sexy for Valentine's Day.  Hmmm.  Maybe if it was really dark, I hid Ray's glasses, we drank a lot of wine and I told him to close his eyes until I was all the way under the blankets I could get away with wearing a teddy and thong.  It would be easier to just have a headache.  Then I checked out their 'Wonder Bra.'  The sales lady didn't think I needed one.  She suggested one called 'The Miracle Bra.'  It's the one you wear before you go into their 'Last Rites' line.  I'm really starting to feel old.  I guess I must have felt young once, or I wouldn't know the difference.  I don't remember.  I think my memory is going, too.  I'm not sure.  What was the question?

8 comments:

grodygeek said...

Reminds me of a joke by Rosanne Barr. She's shopping for clothes and asks the clerk, "Have you got anything to help look thinner?" The clerk gives her what I call the "Phebeo snort" and says, "Ah, two weeks in Bangladesh?"
Gordy

redhdka said...

you are too silly....YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

readmereadyou said...

omg, I'm rolling on the floor laughing. You are the funiest. The wine always works and a red light bulb in the bedroom does too. Everyone looks pink and perfect. Great secrets those hookers have. LOL!

barbpinion said...

This entry is delightful. Never laughed so hard in my life. A little wine, a red light bulb, the perfect music, the right words, and the right person. WOW.. best go write some more in my STORY journal. LOL Hope your Valentine day was nice.

sonensmilinmon said...

You had me laughing so hard ~ but, WHY does it have to be TRUE! Well, at least for me ~ I've seen YOUR picture and you are downright BEAUTIFUL!!!
Thanks for the laugh.
Smilin Mon

bridgetteleigh75 said...

Old body or post pregnancy body...I can't tell the difference. My boobs, my bladder, and my belly will NEVER be the same again. :::Sigh::: Wanna share some of your cellulite cream?

XO ~ Bridgett

camaroisle050856 said...

Dermablend helps hide acne. http://www.dermablend.com/index.aspx
Although I rarely have acne, this was a tip from someone who had won beauty pageants. A model friend uses witch hazel for acne not caused internally. Ask the people who make their living by being beautiful. Get a New Towel each time you bathe--do you really want the same towel on your face that dried peoples' private parts?

camaroisle050856 said...

Maybe the "Last Rites Line" Bra will be called the "Bust A Move Bra" for the the unruly ones that are trying to escape. My memory is going, at times, too, so you aren't alone...I keep calling the clothes hamper the "clothes hamster". Hubby thinks this is funny--maybe I'll have a hamper made up to look like a hamster!
Animal hampers like elephants might be interesting.