Monday, June 23, 2008

Crime Scene: Do Not Cross

I think there are only four times that your house has to be really, really clean. 
1) When you think you've met the man of your dreams and you are inviting him over for the first time. 
2) When your mother-in-law comes to visit. 
3)  When your house is for sale. 
4) If you're found murdered.  Wouldn't want the Crime Scene people to think you were some kind of a slob, now would you?

I'm not dating anyone, so I don't have to worry about number one... bringing home a man.  Let alone one of my dreams.  Number two is no longer an issue since I'm divorced and all my kids are grown.  As far as number three goes, my house has been for sale for so long, and the market is so crappy right now, as far as I'm concerned, if any potential buyers want to see it clean, they can buy it and clean it themselves.  I must admit, I do worry about number four occasionally. 

My daughters have frequently heard me mumbling things like, "I swear to God if I'm murdered in the middle of the night and this house looks like this when they find me, I will haunt you for eternity!" 

I'm plagued with worry.  How the hell will they be able to decipher the forensic evidence?  The Team will have to devote the rest of their careers to sifting though THIS mess!  My kids laugh and tell me I watch too much TV.  They think the police will believe that the perpetrator made the mess... not us.  Crime Scene Techs are not stupid!  I bet every murder victim hopes the Team will erroneously think that some madman broke in, killed us, and then spent the next few hours spilling ice tea, over flowing the hampers, filling the sink with dirty dishes, taking a bath and leaving a ring around the tub, squirting toothpaste into the bathroom sinks and spattering the mirrors with I don't even want to think about what, and pulling tufts of hair out of the cats and rubbing them onto the sofa.  Yeah, right.  How are they going to explain the dust?  The overflowing kitty litter boxes? 

In order to dust for fingerprints the Team has to eliminate all of the 'known prints' at the crime scene.  They will have to go out and print every single person who has ever visited us for any reason in the past three years because GOD FORBID anyone living here might think to wipe the place clean once in a while.  Now that I think about it, the thought of having to clean up afterwards might actually deter a criminal from committing a crime here. 

With MY luck, TruTV would be there on the scene to film the whole thing.  I can just hear the nararator making comments like, "This crime scene proved difficult to process due to the condition of the house..."  In Court, the defense lawyer would ask the detectives, "How can you possibly prove that my client's DNA was deposited in the house on the night in question... it could have been there for YEARS!" 

Dominick Dunn won't be interested in writing about me... I'm not one of the Powerful or Privileged.  I hate to think that Stabler & Benson would have to be sent out to my Scene.  I never want to be a Special Victim.  Hopefully it's solved before it becomes a Cold Case.  I guess they could always call in Dayle Hinman.  Or maybe Columbo.  Just don't call Monk.  Being an avid Obsessive-Compulsive Detective, he might solve the case but they'd have to put him away forever. 

How embarrassing!  Oh... bury me deeper than six feet!

3 comments:

mysterynurse2 said...

I know what you mean, may we live a long time.
Thank you for the nice comment about Kaci. I have updated also. :)  Linda

frankandmary said...

As long as they don't find you dead with porn & an empty container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the bed. ~Mary

brianonly52 said...

A good excuse for being caught with a messy house might be that you're doing research on untidy homes and their effects on mood, productivity, etc. :-)