Thursday, December 30, 2010

Please Allow 4-6 Weeks For Delivery

I now realize that I have the power to make my life easier, happier and healthier without even leaving the comfort of my own living room.  I can change my very destiny with just a TV, a telephone and a credit card.  Where did I get this power?  Infomercials.  Don't laugh.  Try watching one for just a few minutes.  These glorified, blockbuster commercials are fascinating and addicting.  See for yourself how these products have changed the lives of ordinary people like you and me.  Still not convinced?  Let a celebrity show you.  Or a... doctor.

From health and exercise, make-up and beauty, to cooking and cleaning, these ads of epic proportion will show you the way to a better life.  You can awaken in the morning feeling completely rested after sleeping on a mattress specially designed by NASA.  Refreshed because thanks to your new breathing device, you didn't snore.  That knowing smile on your face shows that you have discovered both whiter teeth and the secret to true passion (no prescription necessary in Cuba, St. Croix or New Jersey).  In the past, you may have awakened with a headache from drinking too much.  But not today.  You ordered the Hangover Prevention pills and took one before you went out last night.  Not only were you able to avoid a potential prison sentence by checking your blood alcohol level before driving home using a Personal Pocket Breathalyzer, you also just missed a head on collision with an 18 wheeler you may not have seen if you weren't regularly taking your new Eyesight Vitamins designed to increase night vision.  Once home, you enjoyed your partners recent male enhancement…  Three times.  And what a day it will be.  Looking into the streak free mirror (using only micro fiber cloths and plain water) you know you look marvelous.  Your skin is clear and you have a lot less wrinkles.  You tanned in one hour, got thicker, softer hair and quickly removed all the split ends.  After showering you can remove unwanted hair from your legs, bikini zone, and upper lip with a disposable, battery operated device that can also trim shrubbery .  Looking down, you raise your perfectly sculpted eyebrows.  Is that a stain on the bedroom rug?  No problem.  Just clean it with your bottle of 'Carpet Psychic' to completely remove it right down to the padding underneath it.  Now that all of your furniture rests on plastic disks, you can move any piece across the room without needing physical therapy afterwards.  You notice that the walls are looking a bit dingy.  With your new fast and easy roller kit you can paint like a pro in less than an hour, and your electric air purifier with the hepa filter will get rid of the odor.

You roll out your personal Complete Home Gym In A Shoebox, conveniently stored under your bed and work out all of your major muscle groups in less than 3 minutes.  You could afford those 3 low monthly payments of only $999 each, since you recently quit smoking in just seven days.  With no cravings.  Soon you'll be saving even more money when you start doing your own dry cleaning at home.

Oops!  It's time to go and pick up your great grandmother.  How she loves being able to do her own shopping now that she has an Electric Granny Go-Cart.  That company even did the paperwork for her, and threw in a handy shopping basket (some assembly required).  The sun is shining brightly, but it doesn't bother you.  You're wearing your polarized, glare and distortion free designer sunglasses worn by the cast of 'Friends' themselves.  Fortunately after you accidentally dropped them last week while installing your virtually maintenance free gutter and downspout screens, you were able to borrow your neighbor's Eyeglass Cleaner/Polisher and Scratch Remover Pads.  It was almost fun climbing up onto the roof with the new safety ladder.  It really can be used in 1400 different positions and be kept in your wallet for easy storage.  You wave at your sister as you drive by her house.  She smiles because she is effortlessly watering her lawn with a garden hose that never kinks and rolls up flat.  She looks great, too.  She recently lost 420 pounds while taking a pill that worked.  Really worked.  She knew it would.  It cost $158 a bottle.  She's a new woman with a bright future.  She completed an at home study course that not only taught her how to do her own taxes but how to purchase real estate for less than $5 down.  She now owns half of Los Angeles.  Oh no!  Is that a ding in her new Porsche?  Not to worry.  She can borrow the bonus tool for popping out your own dents that came with the video and 400 page booklet, 'Why Pay A Professional When You Can DoIt Yourself?'  That kit sure came in handy last year when Uncle Phil suffered a heart attack and the doctor told him he needed bypass surgery.  After reading chapter nine, Aunt Mae saved them tons of money by doing it herself using a sonic toothbrush and her food sealer (purchased separately).  Thanks to infomercials, life is not only better, faster, easier, and cheaper, it's damn near perfect.  Guaranteed or your money back.  Less shipping and handling, of course.

1 comment:

Angela Kay Austin said...

Never thought about it this way ;-)