Saturday, January 22, 2011

Can You See My Glow From Outer Space?

It's a shame that menopausal hot flashes have no real purpose. I'm not talking about the once-in-a-while, mild, rather uncomfortable feeling of warmth that some lucky women describe. I mean the all-encompassing, "yes, my entire body has been thrust into a pizza oven and I am about to burst into flames" kind of hot flash. I suffer with them numerous times a day, violently distracted from whatever I'm doing in an intense, often frenzied attempt to make it bearable. In between hot flashes, I'm dreading the next one. Many of my menopausal friends have been suffering with them for over 20 years! If no relief is in sight, can we make them WORTHWHILE? I have a few suggestions, if Mother Nature is listening:
1) Hot Flashes could be used to burn off one's sins. Thus, a woman who suffers with a great number of them, or ones of high intensity, could pretty much be assured a place in heaven when her time comes. 
2) If a woman has led a good life, and really doesn't have that many sins to burn off, her hot flashes could be used to burn off the sins of a loved one, or a favorite, but naughty friend.
3) With so many baby boomers suffering with hot flashes, it's a shame no one can figure out a way to capture all that heat and use it to a homeowner's advantage. We could lower our energy bills in the winter, heat pools in the summer and save the environment at the same time.
4) If the intense heat from a hot flash could be channeled and then shot out through the eyes or tips of fingers, menopausal women could sterilize a grandchild's dropped pacifier, dry clean her family's clothes, and steam clean carpets and drapes with a single glance. I'd even be willing to iron wrinkles out the clothes of strangers I met on the street. We could defrost dinner in a matter of seconds and melt chocolate for strawberry dipping or S'more preparation.
5) At the VERY LEAST, we should be able to conjure one up when we need one. Like walking out to the car on a frosty morning. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the instant warmth for a change? Eskimo women could keep the igloo toasty. Farmer's wives could hatch little chicks by the dozens. Moms could warm up their children after playing in the snow with just one hug. Aging nurses could warm blood and IV fluids right at the bedside. Sterilize instruments as the surgeon uses them.

I'm sure there must be dozens of uses for hot flashes. Can we find a silver lining to this dark and disturbing cloud? I can't see any danger in pursuing it. I doubt that legions of unbalanced women would get together and plot to destroy the world with a simultaneous hot flash of epic proportion. Or that you'd find a middle-aged, divorced woman using her hot flash powers to get even with her ex-husband's new, younger wife by melting her silicon implants. There's no reason to believe that from now on all Playboy Bunnies would have bad hair days. Besides... the benefits would certainly outweigh the risks.

Alas, I am not a genius or a doctor. My only hope is that maybe some scientist will read this and get inspired. A Nobel Peace Prize may be at stake!

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