After finishing my last entry I started wondering what trash day would be like in J-Land if we were all neighbors. Since every one of us is quite a character, it would probably be very entertaining to say the least...
If you’re not a regular visitor to J-Land … this story won’t make any sense to you at all. If you are a regular visitor... it probably still won't make any sense!
The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Cause in my stories, NO ONE is innocent.
It was a warm and beautiful morning in J-Land, and it just happened to be Trash Day. Andrea, from ‘Unhinged’ looked up from writing the novel that will someday be on The Best Seller’s List and peered out her window.
She noticed that Sharon from ‘Welcome To My Nightmare’ was running up and down the street yelling, “The Trash Men are coming! The Trash Men are coming ... I can FEEL it!”
Mrs. L from ‘Mrs. Linklater’s Guide To The Universe’ threw up her bedroom window in a rage. “WTF?” she screamed. “It’s 8am and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet! If you don’t pipe down honey, the only thing that you’ll be FEELING is my size 9 bunny slipper up your a**!”
Ty, from ‘Surrounded By Nincompoops’ was sitting on his front step, an empty beer can rolling slowly down his driveway towards the curb. “Now that’s MY kinda woman!” he laughed. He watched in amazement as his neighbors began to emerge from their houses, trash cans in tow. The last time Ty was seen taking out his trash was back in 1968.
Trish from ‘Journey To Peace’ burst from her house singing a medley of her greatest hits and dragging 2 huge bags of doggie doo behind her.
Shaz of ‘The Meaning Of Life… But I Could Be Wrong!’ staggered out of her humble dwelling wearing a ripped tee shirt, and the ugliest pair of cut off sweat pants that anyone had ever seen. She ran her fingers through her wild hair. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, ducks!” she called over to Sharon. “They won’t pass us by… I terrorized the postman and I’m not afraid of the trash blokes either!”
Suddenly, Andrea, from ‘The Official Journal of Pointless Posting’ tore out of her garage with enough attitude to stop traffic. She was holding a riding crop in her hand while her frightened personal attendant tried to carry 6 large boxes to the street without dropping them. “Faster boy, faster! I need a pedicure when you’re finished!” she admonished him cruely.
By now the J-Landers were out in full force making mad dashes to put out their recyclables before the trash trucks came around the corner.
Just then, NJlittlebear of ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ appeared out of nowhere. “OK!” he screamed putting his hands on his hips and scowling at the others. “Which one of you biatches reported me to TOS for objectionable content THIS week? Hmmm?”
Pamela from ‘Just One Girls Head Noise’ frantically tried to round up all the stray cats sniffing around everybody’s refuse.
Meanwhile, Maryanne, the author of ‘My Feelings Are Real’ who was up to greet the morning wearing a pink tutu and matching ballet slippers was seen hammering ‘For Sale’ signs on everyone’s lawns. “Can’t blame a gal for trying!” she smiled warmly.
Bosox, of the ‘Dating Tips For Psychopaths’ fame, was rummaging through his neighbors trash looking for old issues of ‘Modern Drunkard’.
Not to be out done, Nikki, of ‘A Single Woman’s Guide To The Universe’, wearing the old bridesmaid gown that made her look like a peach colored monk, stood in her driveway accepting delivery of a dumpster. Yes, she had finally decided to give up being a pack rat, and needed more than a few lousy trash cans to clean out her house. It didn't go unnoticed when she slipped the driver a few left over pieces of Halloween candy and her phone number.
Everyone waved to Jeff Comedy from ‘What The Hell’ as he raced to his car, apparently late for work once again. “No time for trash today, folks!” he called over his shoulder. “I over slept and I need a smoke!”
He ran past Mary’s house, of ‘Alphawoman’s Blog’, barely noticing all the newspapers strewn across her lawn. As usual, she was away on another fascinating trip.
Albert of ‘Albert’s World of Artsy Fun’ walked regally to his curb, dressed in a purple velvet robe and slippers. He was the only one that had put out his trash the night before. “Oh no! What was I thinking?!” he cried remorsefully. “I could never part with this… or this… or THIS!” He clasped the items to his chest, and when he was finished he went back into his house with more things than he had thrown away.
Debbie, from ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ (the female version), came out of her house with freshly baked spinach pie. We all had a piece except for John, cause he was too busy telling us about the diet he was on 7 years ago (but I don’t think anyone was really listening).
As the trash trucks pulled up to the curbs, Tilly, from ‘Adventures Of A Desperately Fat Housewife’ ran out of her yard, carrying a huge bag of assorted plush animals, and trailing 6 kids behind her. “Oh no you don’t!” she cried as only a woman with 47 loads of dirty laundry waiting to be done can do. “Don’t even THINK about pulling away without taking these blasted, over stuffed bean bags from hell!” I have to admit it was a little hard to take her threats seriously while she was still wearing her Wonder Woman costume… Her hubby didn't seem to mind though.
Since Scott, from ‘Stories From My Ambulance’, is never home long enough to make any trash of his own, he just sat there behind the wheel of his rig, ready to assist us in the event of any dumpster disasters.
Vivi, from ‘Nwanyioma’s Journal’ offered to design an award for The Prettiest Trash Can and The Best Recycler.
Kris from ‘Is This Thing On’ wrote a beautiful essay describing the entire event.
Right before we all gathered up our empty cans to bring them back in, everybody’s favorite cop, Nemo, from ‘Screamin’ Remo’ came riding by in his patrol car. And he was proudly displaying Mrs. Linklater’s Vulvi right in the middle of his dashboard.
I hope everyone knows that I wrote this out of love and extreme admiration for the above mentioned Journalists.
I only hope they forgive me!