Friday, June 29, 2018

But wait!

I now realize that I have the power to make my life happier, easier and healthier without even leaving the comfort of my own living room. I can change my destiny with just a TV, a cellphone and a credit card.  Where did I get this power?  Infomercials.  Don't laugh. Try watching one. These glorified, blockbuster commercials are fascinating and addicting.  See for yourself how these products have changed the lives of ordinary people like you and me.  Still not convinced? Let a celebrity show you.  Or a doctor.

From health and exercise, make-up and beauty, to cooking and cleaning, these ads of epic proportion will show you the way to a better life. You can awaken in the morning, completely rested after sleeping on His Pillow. Even your partner will be fully refreshed because thanks to your new C-Pap machine, you won't snore. Looking into the streak-free mirror (using only microfiber cloths and plain water) you know you look marvelous. Your skin is clear, your teeth are whiter and you have fewer wrinkles. You tanned in one hour, got thicker hair, and now you're ready to send off a specimen to determine your heritage using your own DNA.

 After showering you can remove unwanted hair from your legs, bikini zone, and upper lip with a disposable, battery operated device that can also trim shrubbery. Looking down, you raise your perfectly sculpted eyebrows. Is that a stain on the bedroom rug?  No problem. Just clean it with your bottle of 'Carpet Psychic' to completely remove it right down to the padding underneath. Now that your furniture rests on plastic disks, you can effortlessly move any piece across the room without needing physical therapy. 

Oops!  It's time to go and pick up your grandmother. How she loves doing her own shopping now that she has an Electric Granny Go-Cart.  That company even did the paperwork for her and threw in a handy shopping basket (some assembly required). The sun is shining brightly, but it doesn't bother you. You're wearing your polarized, glare and distortion free designer sunglasses worn by the cast of 'This Is Us' themselves.  

You wave at your sister as you drive by her house.  She smiles because she is watering her lawn with a garden hose that never kinks and rolls up flat.  She looks great, too.  She already lost 220 pounds by sticking to a diet endorsed by Oprah herself! And she can even eat BREAD!! She's a new woman with a bright future.  She knows it -- because she's next in line for a miracle!

Thanks to infomercials, life is not only better, faster, easier, and cheaper, it's darn near perfect.  Guaranteed or your money back. BUT WAIT!! If you order now they'll send you TWO! Separate shipping and handling, of course.