You've Got Mail!

I'm going to take a break from Menopausal Exploration today and get back to reality.  Catch up on the important things that I've been letting go.  Before I tackle the Kitty Litter Boxes in the basement I better check my E-mail.

 

Whoa!  I bet I must be close to my limit!  No telling who's been trying to contact me the past few weeks. 

 

"10 Tips For a Summer Body."  The only way that I could salvage something for this year would be to pay someone to impersonate me until September.  But that's an idea for another day. 

 

"Limited Quantity- Everything Under $20".  As if.

 

5 ads for computer games.  NOT interested.  I only play one.  Pirate Poppers.  I'm addicted and I'm loyal.  I'm just a one-computer-game kinda woman.  Delete. 

 

"Investment Opportunities"... I guess they're assuming that I have some extra cash lying around collecting dust.  Delete.

 

Oh goody.  Seems I won an "International Lottery."  Maybe I shouldn't have deleted that Investment Opportunity Ad after all.   Delete.

 

Okay.... Oh!  The "Ex-Vice President Of Ugwanda" wants to entrust ME with the millions of dollars he abducted with.  All I have to do is open a bank account for him.  Yeah, right.  I may have been tempted in the past, but I'm a Lottery Winner now.  Delete.

 

Here we go.  "My Latest Matches on Yahoo."  Good grief!  He should have come with a Warning Label.  Oh My God!  This one only lives 2 miles away?  Bet I could get his  exact address if I looked up Registered Sex Offenders.  Hmmm....  If "Ready N' Rarin" is only 53 years old he must have lived one HELL of a life.  Sigh!  After all these years I'm still hoping to find a man who's looking for someone to leave all his money to, with no strings attached.  I know.  I'm just a hopeless romantic.  Delete.

 

This is interesting.  Someone signed my Guest Book at Classmates.com.  But if I want to see who it was, I have to become a Member.  I wonder who it was?  A long, lost childhood friend?  Someone long forgotten who may very well change the very course of my life if I were to contact him?  Delete. 

 

"Stop Prairie Dogs From Being Poisoned!"  You gotta be kidding me.  The only thing I'm looking for is a cure for hot flashes.  Sorry, but Prairie Dogs are pretty far down on my list of things to save.

 

"Cruise Deals on Vacations To Go."  I guess they heard that I won the lottery.  Delete. 

 

"Don't Let Congress Industrialize Our Coastlines."  Oh my God.  ANYTHING but THAT.  Permenantly delete. 

 

Hmmm... about 618 "jokes."  All from my oldest daughters best friend, Deneen.  Aww!  She took the time to send them to me and about 350 other close Internet Friends.  While she was at work, no less.  Thank God she doesn't work for me.  Where does she find the time?  Maybe I should get a job where SHE works....  Delete 'em all at once... 

 

Oh!  Looks like a personal note from my slightly younger sister...  I haven't heard from her in a while.  Nope.  Just copies of the same jokes that Deneen sent to her as well.  Delete again.

 

"10 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Fresh".  Too bad I didn't get that one before my divorce.  Delete.

 

Uh-oh.  Looks like my "E-Bay Account has been suspended."  I didn't even know I HAD one. Delete.

 

Skip, skip, skip... "Erectile Dysfunction."  Now THAT's my kinda man!  Delete! 

 

%&*#@!  I swear to God, my head will spin around and I will have projectile vomiting if one more person sends me an E-mail warning that I will have bad luck for the next 5 years if I don't send it out to at least 5 friends in the next 18 minutes!  Why do people send me these things?  I don't have enough bad luck?  DELETE!  DELETE!  DELETE!

 

Well... that about does it.  I hate it when I let my unread mail pile up like that.

 

I wonder if there's anything in my "Spam Folder"?

My Menopausal Manifest

Hot flashes wouldn’t be so bad if you could conjure one up when you wanted one.  Like when you’re running outside on a cold winter morning to retrieve the newspaper off the front step. They would actually come in quite handy if you needed to de-ice your windshield.

 

If only we could funnel the heat into steam we could sterilize baby bottles, save thousands of dollars on dry cleaning, and maybe even steam clean the carpets a couple of times a year.   I wonder if the Pope would consider allowing hot flashes to burn off the sins of Catholic women?  Sort of like a pre-payment plan.

 

But alas, we must suffer with hot flashes seemingly at the whim of Mother Nature.  Never knowing when an assault will come.  I hate being helpless.

 

For any non-believers in the group, let me tell you that I recently conducted an experiment.  I took my temperature when I was NOT having a hot flash.  98.4… normal.  Then, a few minutes later, when I felt I was at the height of a hot flash, my temperature rose to 103.6!!  I had proof that hot flashes were actual physical manifestations.  It didn’t do me any good, but I felt better knowing that fact.

 

Why don’t menopausal women burn up thousands of calories a day manufacturing all of that heat?  We should be able to eat just about anything we want without gaining weight.  It would only be fair, don’t you think?  Good thing we can’t get pregnant.  We’d have that kid baked in two weeks flat.

 

At the very least I think menopause should be tax deductible.  Fans, air conditioning units and increased utility bills should be write offs.  Grandchildren should be considered dependants.  I don’t know a single grandparent who doesn’t spend more than their fair share on clothes, entertainment and schooling costs for their grandkids.

 

When I was younger I used to think that once my kids were grown, I’d spend all of my extra money on myself.  Exotic trips to Greece and Europe.  Face lifts when I needed one.  I thought I’d go to a Day Spa from time to time and pamper myself.  This year I took my 5 year old grandson to Disneyworld and paid his Catholic School tuition.  So much for my weekly massages.

 

Dare I mention how much money we end up tossing to our supposedly grown children?  And how many of us have to help out our elderly parents?

 

Is the entire world ignoring menopause?  What about Hollywood?  There are many famous Baby Boomers.  Now that Madonna is getting up there in age, why doesn’t she film a music video based on her REAL fantasies?  One where 10 Boy Toys dance around fanning her furiously with large palm branches?  I don’t think Martha Stewart has done a single show suggesting how hot flashes could be put to use around the kitchen.  “Forgot to take the meat out of the freezer before you went to work this morning?  No problem!  Simply defrost your pork chops on your lap while you drive home tonight!”  I’m surprised that AOL hasn’t advertised “10 Great Hair Styles That Won’t Flop When You’re Flashing!”  Or, “Not In The Mood?  7 Ways To Distract Your Man!”

 

Sometimes I think I’m becoming obsessed with hot flashes.  I find myself wondering if comatose women get them.  I question what would happen to a very sick woman with a fever of 104 degrees if she were to get a hot flash.  Would she spontaneously combust?  Were the survivors of the Titanic all middle aged women and those who were fortunate enough to be floating next to one? 

 

It boggles my mind when I think of the many elderly women who have decided to retire to Florida or Arizona.  Perhaps years of suffering finally leave you absolutely insane.  I can only pray that burnt brain cells eventually leave you without pain. 

 

If men had to suffer through this dismal phase of life, I guarantee there would be a cure by now.  At least they would actively be working on one.  What happens to them?  A sudden urge to drive a Harley.  An affair with a twenty something.  A new convertible.

 

Good grief.

My Menopausal Manifest

Menopause Manifest Part II

 

My menopause symptoms are much more than an "inconvenience," as assumed by some people (see comments after Part I).  I consider them an AFFLICTION.  If your house burnt down to the ground would you call it "a bit of bad luck?"  Would it be "disappointing" to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease?  Would being found guilty of a crime you didn't commit, and sent to prison for 25 years, be a "temporary setback?"  I think not.

These 'hot flashes' occur 24 hours a day.  At night it's impossible to sleep through my frenzied attempts to yank the blankets off as quickly as possible and turn the ceiling fan back on high.  I'm forever seeking out new cold spots on the sheets to avoid soaking the bed with sweat, otherwise I'll have to get up and change the linen.  Five minutes later, after the hot flash is gone, I turn off the fan and hoist the blankets back on.  Pulling myself into a fetal position to avoid touching any wet or cold spots, I lay shivering, awaiting the next assault which seems to come right after I finally fall back to sleep. 
During the day, my clothes stick to me, I sweat off my make-up and my hair is always damp and limp.  I'm in a constant state of dressing, undressing and re-dressing. There's not a moment of the day when I feel anywhere NEAR 'comfortable.'  

In between the hot flashes, there are short lulls spent in absolute DREAD, waiting for the next cycle to begin. The syndrome takes over every aspect of my life.  Besides the hot flashes there's the mood swings and the altered state of consciousness to deal with as well.  Somedays I can hardly keep a thought in my head.  I have NO concentration and the attention span of a plastic plant.  Few of my tasks are ever completed.  I'm tired and frustrated.  Worst of all, I have NO patience.  I could KILL anyone under the age of 40 who rolls their eyes up at me when I can't think of the word I wanted to use.  The only thing I have firmly committed to memory is the location of every fan in the building where I work.  Worse yet, is that other women have told me that they have been suffering with these symptoms for 15 years!  I'll never make it!  I'm surprised we can't go out on disability with this. 

 

I do try to count my blessings.  I knew another woman who used to turn bright red, and her hair would flop before our eyes, and she'd be literally dripping with sweat.  I only "glow" a little when I'm flashing.  I'm thankful that I live and work in an environment that is air conditioned.  That I don't reside in Florida or Arizona.  That I don't work in a dry cleaners.  That I'm single and don't have a man wanting to have sex with me everytime I throw off the covers in the middle of the night. That my job description doesn't necessitate carrying a gun.

 

Now that the Baby Boomers have arrived at middle age, there must be millions of women all of the US having hot flashes, 24 hours a day.  Maybe the scientists should look into THAT as a cause of Global Warming.  I know I could melt a few icebergs all by myself.  Forget about a cure for the common cold.  Who cares how bad it is when you only suffer for TWO WEEKS?  Eradicate menopause and save the god damned world!

My Menopause Manifest

Three months ago I decided to stop my Hormone Replacement Therapy.  I had been taking the tablets for about three years and I was getting nervous about the high risk of cancer.

 

I can honestly say that I have never felt more miserable in my entire life.  Since there are 78.2 million American Baby Boomers out there, and slightly over 50% of them are women ... lets talk menopause. 

 

Misery loves company ya' know.

 

Since I am an RN, I feel it is my duty to present the scientific facts (before we get to the reality of it all which we'll discuss in future segments). 

 

According to the Mayo Clinic menopause is a transition that can start in your 30s or 40s and last into your 50s or even 60s. You may begin to experience signs and symptoms of menopause well before your periods stop permanently. Once you haven't had a period for 12 consecutive months, you've reached menopause.  Menopause is a natural biological process, not a medical illness. Although it's associated with hormonal, physical and psychosocial changes in your life, menopause isn't the end of your youth or of your sexuality. Several generations ago, few women lived beyond menopause. Today, you may spend as much as half of your life after menopause.  Hormone therapy (HT) has been widely used in recent decades to relieve the signs and symptoms of menopause and — doctors thought — to prevent diseases associated with aging. However, new long-term evidence has demonstrated that HT may actually increase your risk of serious health conditions, such as heart disease, breast cancer and stroke.

 

Okay ... but lets get to the heart of the matter.  How much am I going to suffer?   The Mayo Clinic says: Several chronic medical conditions tend to appear after menopause. By becoming aware of the following conditions, you can take steps to help reduce your risk:

• Cardiovascular disease. At the same time your estrogen levels decline, your risk of cardiovascular disease increases. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in women as well as in men. Yet you can do a great deal to reduce your risk of heart disease. These risk-reduction steps include stopping smoking, reducing high blood pressure, getting regular aerobic exercise and eating a diet low in saturated fats and plentiful in whole grains, fruits and vegetables.
• Osteoporosis. During the first few years after menopause, you may lose bone density at a rapid rate, increasing your risk of osteoporosis. Osteoporosis causes bones to become brittle and weak, leading to an increased risk of fractures. Postmenopausal women are especially susceptible to fractures of the hip, wrist and spine. That's why it's especially important during this time to get adequate calcium — 1,500 milligrams daily — and vitamin D — 400 to 800 international units daily. It's also important to exercise regularly. Strength training and weight-bearing activities such as walking and jogging are especially beneficial in keeping your bones strong.
• Urinary incontinence. As the tissues of your vagina and urethra lose their elasticity, you may experience a frequent, sudden, strong urge to urinate (urge incontinence) or incontinence with coughing, laughing or lifting (stress incontinence).
• Weight gain. Many women gain weight during the menopausal transition. You may need to eat less — perhaps as many as 200 to 400 fewer calories a day — and exercise more, just to maintain your current weight.  Oh goody.
• Emotional and cognitive changes. You may experience irritability, fatigue, decreased memory and diminished concentration as you approach menopause. These symptoms have sometimes been attributed to hormonal fluctuations. Yet other factors are more likely to contribute to these changes, including sleep deprivation and stressful life events — such as the illness or death of a parent, grown children leaving home or returning home, and retirement.  Can it get any worse? 
• Changes in appearance. Many women gain a modest amount of weight — about 5 pounds on average — during the menopausal transition. The fat that once was concentrated in your hips and thighs may settle above your waist and in your abdomen. You may notice a loss of fullness in your breasts, thinning hair and wrinkles in your skin. If you previously experienced adult acne, it may become worse. Although your estrogen level drops, your body continues to produce small amounts of the male hormone testosterone. As a result, you may develop coarse hair on your chin, upper lip, chest and abdomen.  Sorry I asked.

According to MedicineNet  Hot flashes are common among women undergoing menopause. A hot flash is a feeling of warmth that spreads over the body and is often most pronounced in the head and chest A hot flash is sometimes associated with flushing and is sometimes followed by perspiration. Hot flashes usually last from 30 seconds to several minutes. Although the exact cause of hot flashes is not fully understood, hot flashes are likely due to a combination of hormonal and biochemical fluctuations brought on by declining estrogen levels.

In my experience, a hot flash occurs once an hour when some evil demon switches on a furnace in the pit of my belly.  He (I say "he" as I KNOW that NO "woman" would ever do this to another) turns the thermostat WAY up, and instantly the flames roar, devouring every inch of my body.  They rise hotter and higher, until I feel that I am about to explode into a ball of fire.  The monster keeps the heat going for about five minutes and then slowly turns down the thermostat.  This is followed by one to two minutes of a soft "glow" like hot coals on the bottom of your barbecue.  My body is left cold and wet like the steel frame of a building hosed down by firefighters after a blaze brought under control.  But ... that's just me.  Sorry... I digress ... where we?  Oh yeah...

There is currently no method to predict when hot flashes will begin and how long they will last. Hot flashes occur in up to 40% of regularly menstruating women in their forties, so they may begin before the menstrual irregularities characteristic of menopause even begin. About 80% of women will be finished having hot flashes after five years. Sometimes (in about 10% of women), hot flashes can last as long as 10 years. GOOD GRIEF!  There is no way to predict when hot flashes will cease, though they tend to decrease in frequency over time. On average, hot flashes last about five years.

Sometimes hot flashes are accompanied by night sweats (episodes of drenching sweats at nighttime). This may lead to awakening and difficulty falling asleep again, resulting in unrefreshing sleep and daytime tiredness. 

Research shows that cigarette smoking, caffeine (including chocolate) and alcohol increase the intensity and frequency of hot flashes.  But, in my own defense, if I didn't have a cup of coffee in the morning, smoke all day, eat hundreds of Tootsie Rolls at my desk and drink heavily on occasion, I'd be a FREAKIN' LUNATIC!  Albeit a less sweaty one.

In my quest for knowledge I also discovered that withdrawal from hormones is strikingly similar to heroin and crack cocaine withdrawal!  Heroin Addiction  says heroin addicts experience  being cold and then getting hot flushes - constant temperature changes, sweating / chills, feeling sad, crying at little things (even TV soaps, adverts), insomnia, not sleeping for days on end, irritability, feelings of weakness and tiredness, although not being able to sleep and elevations in blood pressure, pulse and respiratory rate, and Crack withdrawal symptoms include but are not limited to: agitation, depression, extreme fatigue, anxiety, angry outbursts, lack of motivation, irritability and disturbed sleep.

And the longest drug withdrawal is only THIRTY-TWO WEEKS!  Compare that to FIVE to TEN YEARS! 

I just wanted you to realize what we're up against!  Not to mention having a few facts to throw at anyone who thinks menopause is child's play.

Knowledge is power, so they say.

Of course "they" are probably men, or women in their thirties who would run to the nearest emergency room if they ever had a hot flash at this point in their lives.

So what does all this mean?  I'm getting to that ... stay tuned.

God Bless America

                     

           

             God Bless America

         And the American Troops

         that keep us free!

          

                           

                 

                 

              

                                   Thank you!

Nurses' Month

I know that it's the end of May but I didn't want to let it slip by without mentioning and giving thanks to all the very hard working and dedicated nurses across the nation and the world.  I'm sure that just about everyone has a story about a nurse who made a big difference in their lives in some way.

 

As a Nursing Supervisor I see first hand what they have to deal with each and every day.  I see them bringing a new life into the world, and helping an old one leave it.  I see them crying, laughing and worrying.  Being brave enough to call the doctor who is known to scream at 4am, because his patient needs something.  I see them dragging themselves into work when they're sick, tired and in pain, and oddly enough, their patients never know.  I see their hearts breaking when they have to work on their daughter's prom night, or their son's championship football game.  I hear them consoling children and trying to grasp a little holiday cheer over the phone when they're working on Christmas Eve.  I've seem them sneaking peeks out of a patient's window to see the fireworks on the 4th of July.  I've eaten some of the turkey they've brought in to share with the others on Thanksgiving.  I've watched in amazement as they work right up to their due dates so they can spend more time at home with the baby once it's delivered. 

And yet, despite the hardship on themselves and their own families, they do it day after day, year after year.  Not for the money.  Certainly not for the recognition.

Why?  Because nurses are very special people who are always willing to give and care for others no matter what the occasion, or personal sacrifice.

 

So here's my tribute to all the nurses out there not only saving lives, but making them better.  God Bless You!

 

How Do You Know You've Been a Nurse Too Long? 

By Lisa Vance, RN

 

1) While looking for something to wear to a party you notice that 90% of your wardrobe consists of scrubs.

2) You don't really mind though, because you can't think of an occasion when you couldn't wear them.

3) You have discovered that nurses only HAVE to pee once every 12 hours.

4) You always carry hemocult developer in your pocket book.

5) While talking to old friends at a barbeque you glance down at their hands looking for a good vein to start an IV.

6) Up until the age of ten, all your children thought that Christmas only came every other year just like the rest of the holidays.

7) You know what the 'O' sign and 'Q' signs are.

8) While talking to a neighbor across the street you find yourself asking him when his last bowel movement was.

9) At the school bus stop you're the only mother still in her pajamas.  At 3pm.

10) Your spouse has heard you say "Not tonight, honey, I'm On-Call..." at least once.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

 

She's the one who carried you in her womb for nine long months.

And even though she knew she'd have morning sickness, stretch marks and hours of hard labor, she couldn't wait to hold you in her arms.

 

She's the one who got up with you every two hours through the night, and rocked you to sleep when you were teething or sick.

 

She's the one who wiped your nose, wore baby spit-up as perfume, and worried about you all night if she ever got a chance to go out and leave you with a baby-sitter.

 

She's the one who stayed up late helping you with your homework, and spent a few weekends helping you finish your class projects.

She's the one who baked cupcakes for the school bazaar and sewed your costume for the class play.

 

She's the one who ran around out front taking pictures of you and your date on Prom Night and spent half the night worrying about you afterwards.

 

She was at most of your games cheering for you, and never forgave herself for missing the others.

She picked you up after practice, and stayed in the background so she wouldn't embarrass you.

 

She's the one who always told you that you were beautiful, and the one who still loved you when you told her you couldn't wait to move out and be on your own.

 

She's the one who cried at your wedding, and held your hand when you were having your own baby.

She's the one person who loves your kids as much as you do.

 

You know who she is.

 

I hope you called her today and wished her a Happy Mother's Day.

 

If you didn't... it's not too late.

She's still waiting for you to call.

 

I wish I could call my Mom.

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.