Sweet Dreams

I wouldn’t call them ‘nightmares’ exactly. More like… ‘Disturbing Dreams’.  I get them all the time.  One would think that even if your daily life is filled with stress, anxiety and closely related tormentors... at least when you finally fall asleep at night, you could relax and enjoy a nice dream.  Nothing fancy… all I’m asking for is a dream where I’m a recluse living on a hill overlooking a valley.  A babbling brook would be a nice touch…  I’m not greedy.  But noooooooo.

Let me tell you about last night’s dream, so you can understand the full extent of my ‘disturbance’.  I dreamt I was arguing with my three grown children (where do you suppose that came from?) I told them I was tired of cleaning up the messes they made in their lives and I wasn’t going to do it anymore (You go, girl!) Then I informed them that I had let my life insurance policy drop, and now when I died, they would have to find a way to bury me on their own. Without a cent from me.

At first they were skeptical.  They knew that that policy was the one where the rates never go up and I didn’t need a medical examination as long as I was under age 80.  They know me, and couldn’t believe I’d just let it lapse.  Once they realized I was serious, they shrugged it off, like everything else.  In the dream, the day came when I passed away.  I got to watch the kids scramble, trying to figure out what the heck to do with my body.  They didn’t have an extra $50 between the three of them.

Lisa suggested a back yard burial. “She loved this house, and she’d be happy to be able to stay here." Never mind the fact that if I couldn’t afford the mortgage payments, how the heck could they?  She might not mind having me out there, but the new owners might.

Tina thought they should get an estimate from a taxidermist, and sit me at my computer for the rest of eternity.  “That’s where she’d want to be,” she added soulfully. “And maybe the stuffing will smooth out all of her wrinkles. You know she had been wanting a face lift for a long time.”

Joe said that he figured they could have a big beef and beer to raise the money. “We could have some of her old Stand Up Comic friends do a show! Roast her! She’d love it! We could invite all of the nurses at her hospital. I bet we’d raise more than enough to bury her.  I can pour the concrete for her tombstone myself!”

Shockingly, the kids sat around talking about the possibilities for so long, the morgue finally called to say that if my body wasn’t out of there by the next day, they were going to have to start charging a storage fee.  The kids were frantic.  Once again, their procrastination and inability to compromise put them in a precarious position.  The satisfaction that I received watching them squirm was short lived however.

I watched in horror as they decided to take me home, burn me to a crisp in a large industrial strength can, and then mix my ashes with hot wax to make candles.  They added in a bit of Citronella so they could burn me ALL summer long and keep the mosquitoes away at the same time.  It was little comfort knowing that their plan was decisive, creative, and practical.

I awoke feeling guilty that I didn’t appreciate the fact that all of my hard work in raising them had finally resulted in them solving a problem on their own... with no help from me.

What kind of mother am I? A better question might be… what kind of person dreams a dream like that? Have I lost my mind? What would a psychiatrist say?

I did learn one thing though. I’m NEVER gonna let that life insurance policy lapse!

Tags: death, dying, dreams, nightmares, children, funerals

Bend over and say "Ahhh!"

Geeze! I see that’s it’s been awhile since I updated my Journal.  Even I’m wondering what I’ve been up to, so I stopped by to check.

Hmmmmmmmmm.  Have I met someone special? My own personal Prince Charming?  Wining and dining me?  Keeping me so busy that I don’t even have time to write anymore?  Possibly even proposed to me in the most romantic way and whisked me off to live happily ever after?  That would be a “no”.   Actually, I’ve pretty much thrown in the towel and stopped looking.  The only men who call me are now are bill collectors, but I am on a first name basis with a few of them.  None of them want to take “no” for an answer!  Call me wicked.

Have I sold the house and moved to somewhere more affordable and without the kids?  Nope.  Still struggling and arguing on a daily basis.

Looks like I’ve been working a lot.  Don’t see any promotions or raises listed though.

Undergone any medical procedures or plastic surgeries?  Unfortunately, the only one listed is my first colonoscopy a few weeks ago.  Happy 53rd birthday to me.  Not exactly the kind of procedure I had envisioned.  “Why Lisa! Your… butt!  It looks… fantastic!  Have you had a colonoscopy?  You have, haven’t you?!"

 I woke up with him standing over me, smiling.  Then he bent down and whispered something I’ve been longing to hear.  “No polyps.”  Oh, come on.  A girl’s gotta start somewhere.  I was so proud of my colon that I hung my colonoscopy report on my refrigerator.  Actually, I’ve been seeing so much of my dentist that I almost felt like I was cheating on him with the proctologist. I did learn one thing. It’s not as bad when it’s the dentist saying, “Open wide”.

That reminds me of a story that I heard about a Texan oil baron who went to the dentist for a check-up. "I'm pleased to say your teeth are just fine," said the doctor. "I know," replied the Oilman, "but drill anyway. I feel lucky!"

I do have a bit of news that I just can't keep to myself any longer!  My son Joe and his wife Bonnie must have been so excited how cute their first baby turned out that they decided to have a second one!  My GRAND-DAUGHTER will be arriving in October!   

I'm going to try and update my Journal more often in the future.  I might even try my hand at embellishing.  Who would know?  Nah.  Somebody’s got to step up to the plate and show you that you’re life isn’t as boring as you thought.

And it looks like I’m a natural.

Love At First Write

As usual around Valentine's Day many of the Internet Dating Sites have run specials, taking advantage of the increased awareness of loneliness that frequently follows this holiday.  Feeling it myself this year, and getting my Income Tax Refund at precisely the same time as a special caught my eye, I decided to join one again.  As they say on TV, it doesn't hurt to look.

My first would-be suitor's favorite hobby was "dressing up like Benjamin Franklin and walking the streets of Philadelphia for fun".   He included a photograph of himself, and he did indeed look like Franklin.  'Ben' did have some good points.  If he ended up being a stalker, he'd be easy to spot and pick out of a police line up.  But, I decided to hold off and see if there was anyone else out there.  Please God.  Any one else.  Be careful what you ask for.

I got an E-mail from another candidate yesterday.  I have copied and pasted it exactly as he sent it to me so you can see the caliber of men from which I have to choose:

Hello i;m Ray..just noticed you on this net,,,very much i liked youre write up /photo..i;m from burlington nj....love summer / fall....do you like boating?....or guitar players..??...love to hesr from you,,,until then...Ray

I was stunned.  Didn't 'Ray' realize that these few grammatically incorrect sentences, filled with misspellings and erroneous punctuation usage would be the first and only impression I would have of him?  Surely he'd want to impress me just a little.  I sent the E-mail to my friend Brian, who being a man himself, graciously agreed to interpret it for me. 

Ray's message is written in blue, Brian's interpretation in red.

Hello i;m Ray 

Hello, I’m on parole.

just noticed you on this net 

Your last name starts with a  'V'.  All the women from A

to U have already shot me down.

very much i liked youre write up /photo 

Do you have a free webcam site?

Im from burlington, nj 

No closer than1,000 feet of Burlington High School to be more precise. 

love summer / fall 

Was incarcerated winter / spring.

do you likeboating? 

Is your life insurance paid up?

or guitar players..??...  

I have no known job skills.

love to hesr from you  

Unless you're a parole officer

until then...Ray 

Until my next hearing, Ray 

 

Thank God Brian was able to explain this to me. 

I might have passed this guy up!

 

  My Valentine!

Happy Holidays!

 

                                      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

A SOLDIER'S CHRISTMAS  'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.   I had come down the chimney with presents to give, and to see just who in this little house lived.   As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.   No Stockings by mantle, just boots filled with sand, On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.   With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, A sobering thought came through my mind.   For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,  The home of a soldier, I could now see clearly.   The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.   The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder, Not how I picture a United States Soldier.   Was this the hero of whom I'd just read? Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?   I realized the families that I saw this night, owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.   Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.   They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.   I couldn't help wondering how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.   The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to one knee and started to cry.   The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, "Santa don't cry, for this life is my choice".   I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more, My life is my God, my country, my corps."   The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.   I kept watch for hours, so silent and still, as we both shivered from the cold night's chill.   I didn't want to leave, on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor, so willing to fight.   Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, whispered, "Carry on Santa...., It's Christmas Day...., All is secure.         One look at my watch, and I knew he was right, Merry Christmas my friend.... and to all a Good Night.                         ~ Author Unknown *~ Remember Me?     * This poem is said to have been written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan. The following is his request. We think it is reasonable..... "PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed." "We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us." George Orwell This Page is Dedicated With Thanks To All Of The Men, Women and Veterans of  Our Country's Armed Forces, as well as their Mothers, Fathers, Spouses, Children, and other family members who are all sacrificing for us.

 

Interview With Baby Joe

This past weekend I caught up with Baby Joe, the hottest young male celebrity in Jersey and here's what he had to say:

The Occupant: "Baby Joe ... thanks for stopping by!  When did you get into town?"

  Baby Joe: "The past 6 weeks have been such a whirlwind ... I think it was around July the 3rd..."

The Occupant:  "Any idea what caused the media frenzy since your arrival?"

  Baby Joe:  "I'm not sure ... but I think my parents had something to do with it!"

The Occupant:  "What's it been like for you?"

  Baby Joe:  "My life is like a circus!  As you can see by this picture ... no moment is too private for the paparazzi to photograph!"

 Baby Joe:  "Reporters seem to be lying in wait wherever I go!"

The Occupant:  "I guess like any celebrity, your schedule must be  quite hectic!"

  Baby Joe:  "Every time I turn around there's a make-up girl or hair stylist grabbing me for a touch up!"

The Occupant:  "Do you feel safe?"

  Baby Joe:  "Oh yeah!  I have a pretty intimidating body guard!"

The Occupant:  "Do you get to spend any quality time with your family?"

  Baby Joe: "My dad and I sneak away for a nap whenever we get the chance..."

  Baby Joe:  "And nobody serves up a home cooked meal like my Mom!"

The Occupant:  "People Magazine reported that you were seen at the Jersey shore last week... any truth to that?"

  Baby Joe:  "Of course!  You can't live in Jersey without taking a trip down the shore!"

The Occupant:  "Were you bothered by many fans on the beach?"

  Baby Joe:  "No, I always wore a hat and my parents kept me covered up with a blanket most of the time, so no one recognized me."

The Occupant:  "Do your parents still treat you like a baby?"

  Baby Joe:  "No matter how many movies I star in, or how many photo shoots I do, they still sniff my diaper whenever they smell something funny!"

The Occupant:  "Are there any embarrassing photos out there that you hope the media doesn't plaster all over the Internet?"

  Baby Joe: (laughs) "I think everyone has a few pictures that were only meant to be shared with family and friends ... like this one for example!  I must have had one too many bottles that night!"

The Occupant:  "So what are your plans for the future?"

  Baby Joe:  "I'll be teething soon, so I may have to take a break for a few months ... after that... there's a rumor that HBO wants to do a documentary filming my First Steps..."

The Occupant:  "Any advice for your adoring fans?"

  Baby Joe:  "Just say NO to pacifiers and always stay in your car seat!"

The Occupant:  "Well, there you have it!  Words to live by from one of Jersey's hottest stars!"

 

 

 

Cowboy & Indian Summer

The best way to enjoy a rather cool summer day ... play Cowboys with your adorable 5 year old grandson!  Isn't he just the cutest little thing?

 

Absolutely adorable!

 

Pack a suitcase... and GO!

                          New Orleans!             

 

                  

There IS at least ONE good thing about being over age 50, gainfully employed, divorced and having grown children... you can TRAVEL!  It's even better if you or one of your friends has On-Line Travel savvy! 

Last week, five of my girlfriends and I set out for New Orleans.  Pronounced Nor-Linz, if you want to sound like a local.  We saved quite a bit of money going there in the month of August, although we did have to take 3 showers a day and stop in many, many local bars to keep cool.

We stayed right in the French Quarter, which was not flooded out by Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent breaking of the levee's.

Over 200 years old, it's filled with colorful history.  The Dauphine Orleans was originally built as a bordello, and to our delight we discovered that it was ranked as one of the top 10 most haunted hotels in the USA.  Or... so they say.  About 50% of the employees could recall "haunting experiences" and some of them actually saw at least one ghost.  Aside from a few curious incidents, like missing keys, flickering lights, TV and radios being turned on without us doing it, and my sister swearing to God that she felt someone get into bed with her one night (she thought it was ME), we didn't actually see any spirits ourselves.  It was great fun to let our imaginations run wild though.  We brought along a Ouija Board in the hopes of getting the answerers to some of our burning questions, but sadly, the oracle didn't move an inch, after we all promised not to 'cheat' and move it ourselves.  

                                                                                                          

Personally, I felt a trip to see the Bayou was a must, although 3 of the others girls opted not to come along.  It was a 45 minute bus ride away from our hotel, but I learned a lot in that short time.  I found it very hard to believe how much devastation was still left after Katrina.  Huge neighborhoods stand abandoned.  Miles of boarded up houses stand as a sad reminder.  Scores of people without insurance, and many covered by companies that still haven't paid up, have no money to repair their homes.  The Guide told me that 150,000 people left New Orleans before and after Katrina hit, but only 25,000 returned.  At least 1200 people were killed.  Some endured sitting on roof tops for 5 days, waiting to be rescued.  Most of the people we talked to had no reservations in telling us their Katrina stories.  I could still see the fear and almost hopelessness in their faces as they spoke about losing all of their possessions and having to start their lives over.   But I could also see that they were filled with determination.  Katrina may have interrupted their lives, but in no way did it destroy them.

 

I found the short walk to the swamp boat a little difficult for a city girl likemyself.  Hundreds of dragon flies hover in the air and land on anything that doesn't move.  Once we were in the boat however, they seemed to all but vanish.  Our Guide told us that the swamp gets bigger every year.  Land is eroded by flooding and certain types of vegetation grow rampant in the Louisiana climate, overtaking the waters.  We only saw a few alligators that day, but it was quite a sight watching them swim over to our boat.  Our Guide tossed marshmallows into the water to attract them.  Although they are primarily meat eaters, the alligators seemed to have an attraction to the sweets he threw them.  Clyde informed us that he would never throw meat into the water, as it would make the gators aggressive and there was a possibly that they might actually try to climb into the boat looking for more.  That was a scary thought!  Some parts of the swamp were covered by a thin coating of duck weed which gave you the impression that the surface was hard.  From a distance it appeared that you could actually walk on it.

 

 

                  

 

 

                     

 

                       

On Saturday we signed up to go on a walking Ghost Tour of the French Quarter.  Our Guide filled us in on all the details of gruesome murders that have taken place in many houses and establishments in the district.  He had quite a talent for story telling so the tour was entertaining as well as informative.  Nicolas Cage recently purchased  of the most infamous houses, where hundreds of slaves were tortured and killed by their captors.

 

                    On Sunday we all took a 2 hour Paddle Boat ride down the Mississippi River.  It was quite relaxing and definitely enjoyable. 

Unfortunately we didn't have enough time to take the Katrina Tour or visit one of the Plantations.  In retrospect I would advise anyone planning a trip to New Orleans to keep in mind:

1)  Purchase all of your Tours On-Line before you go.  It's much cheaper than buying them when you get there.  Don't plan more than one tour per day.

2)  It's HOT.  Pack enough underwear and personal items to afford three showers a day.  Wear only minimal make-up and don't bother putting on body moisturizer.  Carry a personal hand held fan.  Especially if you have frequent hot flashes.  Drink plenty of water.  A ratio of one alcoholic beverage to one glass of water seemed to work for me.

3)  See the Swamp and the Cemetery in the morning.  The heat is too much in the afternoon and the alligators are sleeping.

4)  Don't walk anywhere alone.  Especially at night.  We felt quite safe wandering around in a group but the crime rate in the French Quarter is pretty high.

5)  The French Quarter entails a large amount of walking.  Wear sneakers or walking shoes.  I saw one girl traipsing around in high heels.  I doubt that she will ever recover.

6)  I didn't feel there was a need to put on insect repellant, even on the Swamp Tour.  Our Guide told us that the dragon flies EAT the mosquitos, so we didn't have to worry about bites. 

7)  Talk to everyone.  The locals are more than happy to tell you about New Orleans and their own personal Katrina stories.

8)  Although there is plenty of competition in all of the stores for souvenirs, buy what you want when you see it, cause you probably won't get a chance to go back and get the item later.  Besides, you won't remember where you saw it, anyway.

9)  Don't waste your money going to Emeril's.   It's extremely expensive, and really just a 'chain restaurant'. 

10)  Tip well.  The locals work long, hard hours to make your trip more enjoyable.  It was somewhat difficult having FUN in the heat.  I can only imagine what it would be like having to WORK in it.

 

 

   

 

We had a great time and I would definitely go back to New Orleans again.  The streets of the French Quarter were like a huge block party every night.  Even in August.  I wouldn't want to go there during Marti Gras though, even if I were 20 years younger.

Hopefully, traveling will become my new hobby.  There's a big world out there, and damn it... I want to see it!