Wet Paint

For the past 2 weeks I have been totally immersed in paint.  House paint that is.  There are so many choices and decisions to make, painting a room can become a career.  The best advice I can give you is:  If you can afford it... hire a painter to do it for you.  Besides brain surgery, this is one thing you really shouldn't do yourself.  If you must go it alone, wash down the walls before starting (don't groan this is important unless you want to do it over again 6 months from now), and... USE A DROP CLOTH!  I mean... cover everything in sight.  Even pets and small children if you can't put them in another room.  NEVER do it 'together' as a couple if you've been married any longer than 3 weeks.  Don't even start painting if you are planning to have a party in that room in less than one month or are simultaneously experiencing one or more other crisis's or major life changes including menopause.  Most importantly... if you ignore everything else I tell you... NEVER PAINT OVER PRIMER UNTIL IT HAS DRIED FOR A FULL 24 HOURS.  I don't care what the directions tell you.  Knowing that my mistakes have helped others avoid disaster will lessen my pain and suffering.  I looked at hundreds of shades of white once I decided that was the color I wanted to paint most of the walls and ceilings.  I finally narrowed my choices down to Whisper, Lace and Snowy White.  I had decided against Linen, Indian and Fantasy White.  But before you go dipping that brush into the can you need to know who you really are.  Are you a slob? You should consider easily washable or scrubbable paint.  Just generally messy?  Better go with spatter resistant.  Like to linger in the shower or daydream in tub?  You definitely need mildew resistant.  A klutz, perhaps?  You'll be happier with the chip, scuff and stain resistant brands that are also easy to touch up.  Painting is no longer a specialty... it's a science.  Grads have M.A.B.'s.  You laugh.  Ever hear the question, "Is Primer really necessary?" on any of the big TV game shows like 'Jeopardy'?  No!  That's because that question is too hard to answer!  Now I know what 'The Thinker' statue model was really agonizing over...  "Should I use semi-gloss or high-gloss paint on the trim?"

No porch for you, Missy!

Ray and I went to see 'Todd' this morning.  According to him, if you take away the footage in front of our house that belongs to the township and to the sewer company, we do not have the required 35 feet between the property line and the edge of the proposed porch.  Therefore we cannot build a new porch, even though it would be placed in the same exact spot as the old one.  I tried to explain to 'Todd' that we had already torn down the old porch as it was rotting and near collapse, leaving us with no access to our front door.  Other than using the back door from now on, the only other thing that 'Todd' could suggest to us was to apply for a variance.  That's where you go in front of the Township Zoning Board and beg them to let you do something that is perfectly logical, justified, and reasonable but presently prohibited.  Before they allow you to do even that, you must fill out a 50 page booklet outlining your plans to a degree that would rival the raising of the Titanic, including documentation to prove you have notified every neighbor  within 200 feet of your property of those plans, have posted a newspaper advertisement to alert any all community members of your proposal and, maybe most importantly, enclosed a check for the amount of $550.  The Board will then decide if they will hear your appeal, and then you will be notified if and when this hearing will take place.  At that point you must re-notify all the neighbors of the hearing date in case they would like to attend.  If you can afford the cost, have nothing else to do, and you are still living by the time they approve your variance then you may feel better knowing that you did it legally and with the blessing of the township.  Personally, I think doing it without their darn consent is worth sitting in jail for however long they send me away.  Even though I really don't think that we'd get caught, Ray doesn't want to take that chance.  Is it too much to want to come home after work and be able to sit out on the front porch?  Heck... at this point, I'd just like to be able to just walk up to and get in the front door!   Happy Thanksgiving.

It's A Conspiracy I Tell You!

I decided to call the township this morning to check on the status of our front porch plans.  Afterall, the girl in the office did tell Ray that she would try to "sneak it through a little faster" for him.  And that was ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO.  They put me on the phone with 'Todd'.  He told me exactly what they told me FIVE WEEKS AGO when we first submitted the plans.  "I'm sorry.  The township does not allow anyone to build structures on their properties that are this close to the street."  I was stunned.  We had to give the original surveyor another $150 to come out and re-measure the property and draw up a new plan to show that the porch was NOT too close to the street.  Then 'Todd' informed me that they must have "misplaced" the new survey as he couldn't locate it.  I explained to 'Todd' that we had been patiently waiting for this permit for a long time.  That we had wanted to give out Halloween candy to neighborhood children from that porch last month... but it wasn't to be.  That we had hoped to bring Ray's mother over from Philadelphia for a Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday but the only door that was wide enough to accommodate her wheelchair opened up onto the porch that wasn't built yet.  (She isn't really in a wheelchair, but I'm beyond telling them the truth at this point).  Then I told him that the only hope we had left was to hear Carolers outside our house on Christmas Eve...  BUT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO SING IF THERE ISN'T A PORCH FOR THEM TO STAND ON!  'Todd' assured me that he will personally approve the plans on the spot if we bring them into his office tomorrow morning.  All this to get a permit to build a porch the same exact size and in the same exact place where it had been built 15 years ago.  Deja vu I guess.  Speaking of which... where's that bottle of Scotch from last month...?

Love me... love my stuff!

Before I moved in with Ray last April I had been living in an apartment with my 2 daughters.  I left most of MY stuff there for them to use, as Ray had more stuff than any one person on the face of this earth could ever possibly hope to use.  It's hard to believe that his ex-wife already took half of their stuff when she moved out and they divorced. But now my girls are moving and I have to take whatever stuff I want out of the apartment and bring it to Ray's house.  Anything that I leave behind will be stored in their father's garage, where it could be confiscated by his insignificant other if she happens to take a liking to it.  The problem is that Ray already has so much stuff laying around, that there is no room for any of MY stuff.  There isn't even enough room for all of HIS stuff.  Even his stuff has stuff.  He is a major pack rat.  I figured if I wanted to get rid of any of his stuff that I would have to do it while he was out of the house, and dispose of it in someone else's trash.  "Honey?  You didn't throw away an old, beat up teddy bear, did you?"  It was under the bed, torn, tattered and dirty.  What possible reason could he have to keep it?  "My mother gave it to me last year.  She said it was mine when I was little and I slept with it every night.  She wanted me to have it in case anything happened to her.  I had to take it after she told me that she kept that bear for over 45 years..."  I have a sinking feeling that I will NEVER be able to live this little momentary lapse of judgment down...  

Oh! That Wedding!

The Wedding was unbelievable!  The finest of everything from the valet parking to the top shelf liquor served throughout the entire reception with 300 invited guests.  It was held in the Benjamin Franklin Hotel in Philadelphia in the Grand Ballroom.  TWO STORIES!  The second floor was like a huge walk around balcony that over looked the dining room.  It was decorated for Christmas and everything sparkled and twinkled. There were 3 ice sculptures including a Porsche, since the groom was in the car business.  Each table had a centerpiece that consisted of a 2 foot clear glass cylinder containing fancy gold fish and betas swimming around inside with a large white lilly bouquet cascading down from above.  It was a sit-down dinner where they served filet mignon or Chilean Sea Bass, each entree decorated with an orchid.  And Lemon Intermezzos in between courses.  A 10 piece live band... or should I say orchestra played a wonderful array of music all night long.  The actual wedding ceremony was beautiful and fraught with many Jewish traditions that I had never been privileged to witness before.  The bride, who would have looked beautiful even if she didn't come from a family who owned and operated a large beauty parlor and spa, was also a semi-professional singer.  She wrote and recorded a song for her new husband and had it made into CD's adorned with fantastic pictures of the couple taken by a photographer on a secluded beach, which were given out to each guest as a memento of this day.  As if anyone would ever be able to forget this wedding. Now... they have the rest of their lives to make home repairs and design renovations... together.  It doesn't get any better than that.

And Let There Be Light... THREE Of Them!

Lamps Plus wrote to me today to tell me that they have shipped the light fixture that I ordered.  Great news... except that I ordered three light fixtures.  I know it wasn't a typo cause they re-adjusted my bill so that I was only paying for one.  It was very honest of them to do that, but I wanted to pay for 3 lights.  That would be like booking a trip to Disney World only to find out that you're only going to Busch Gardens instead.  You discover that you were only charged for a trip to Busch Gardens... you know that you'll still have a good time... but you wanted to go to DISNEY WORLD damn it!  I wrote back to them.  Hopefully they will be able to send the other two lights out right away.  Since I woke up in a hopeful mood I might as well hope that the township will call on Monday to tell me that they have approved the plans for our front porch.  And the Siding Guys will come back and power wash the house to remove all of the fingerprints that they left behind.  And I won't look too fat in the dress that I'm going to wear to the wedding we were invited to tonight...

My Cistine Chapel

I'm back from Atlanta.  We were stuck in the airport for over 6 hours because of the weather, and I was almost bored to death.  Luckily, I had a few Home Improvement magazines and mail order catalogs with me to read.  We'll have to take out another loan just to pay for the things I want to order.  While we were away my son Joe painted a few rooms in the house.  What a difference a fresh coat of paint can make!  Everything looks newer, cleaner and bigger.  He also replaced many of the old light switches and electric outlets with new ones, and insulated them from drafts by using spray foam caulk around the edges.  Lowes delivered the composite wood we are going to use to build the new front porch, but it will have to sit in our driveway until the township approves the plans.  I hope no one steals the wood in the meantime.  I don't think that I'll ever leave Home Depot, but I'm definitely having a fling with Lowes!