As a Registered Nurse I am frequently asked questions about HMO Insurances. So I'd like to take this opportunity to explain some of the details your doctor and employer may have neglected to tell you.
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually an abbreviation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
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Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
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Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.
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Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
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Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. ---------------------------------------------Q.. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it didn't seem to be strong enough. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye. ---------------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. ---------------------------------------------
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot. ---------------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
I hope this has cleared up some of the misconceptions about HMO's. Now get out there and start taking care of yourselves!
PS: The above material is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are sick, see a doctor,even if you don't have any insurance at all. You don't have anything if you don't have your health. And finding a date is darn near impossible!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Love Poems For Middle-Aged Women
Sometimes great marital advice can read like a poem. Here's one that was sent to me by a good friend, who's been married a long, long time...
He didn't like my casseroles
And he never liked my cakes...
My biscuits weren't flaky...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like my stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue...
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Just like his Mother used to do!
I'll take a laugh wherever I can get one! Sorry guys!
Friday, December 30, 2005
To 2006
Standing here, at the cross roads of my life, looking back at the paths I've taken, and questioning which way to turn now that the rest of my life is before me, I realize that I am completely lost and have absolutely no idea where to go.
But since no one even knows that I'm missing, there won't be any search and rescue teams out looking for me.
I guess my only hope of salvation is ... me. No Hero or Prince Charming will be scooping me up and carrying me to a Happily Ever After ending.
I feel so small and insignificant. Can I possibly do this? (Closing eyes, pinching nose and taking a deep breath before jumping)...
"Here goes nothing!" I scream to no one in particular.
And as expected, no one in particular answers.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Like old times...
My Thanksgiving Dinner went off like a Norman Rockwell painting. Total reality in color.
We bought a foil roasting pan that didn't have handles, so when we tried to lift the turkey into the oven, all the water at the bottom of the pan poured over the sides onto the floor. At least we managed to catch the bird. Lisa ran out to the store and bought a foil pan WITH handles, and the turkey was in the oven by 7am.
I figured it would be finished cooking around 3:30pm so I asked everyone to be here at 1:30. My sister, her son and his girlfriend weren't able to come, and my ex-brother-in-laws' ex-wife had the flu so she couldn't make it either. That left a total of only 20 people for dinner.
By 3pm I noticed that the little popper on the turkey still hadn't popped. The mashed potatoes were already finished cooking, and I still had a sweet potato casserole and extra stuffing to warm up in the oven.
Somewhere around 5:30pm I brought out more hours' derves and opened a bottle of wine. I was in a great mood though, and nothing seemed to bother me. Of course those 2 glasses of wine on an empty stomach didn't hurt, either.
My vegetable tray had been quite a crowd pleaser right up until my ex mother in law announced that she lost one of her capped teeth and hoped that it hadn't fallen into the vegetable dip.
It was nearing 6:30pm when I slowly came to the realization that my oven temperature gauge must be wrong. So I turned it up to 500 degrees. Now the spilled juices on the bottom of the oven kept burning and setting off my smoke detectors, and my grandson kept screaming every time they alarmed. He hates loud noises.
I finally gave up at 7:30 pm. I took the turkey out of the oven, carved it, and then nuked it in the microwave.
By then,everyone was REALLY thankful.
And isn't that what this holiday is all about?
Monday, November 21, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving
Another Thanksgiving. And another chance to reflect upon the many blessings bestowed upon us.
Besides the obvious ones (my children, my adorable grand son, my new house, my job, my health, my friends, living in the USA, and the men and women in uniform who put their lives on the line for us everyday), I'd like to list a few other blessings that may otherwise seem to go unnoticed.
I'm thankful for Wawa French Vanilla Cappuccino. It's truly the nectar of the Gods. There aren't many things in this life that can bring you so much happiness for less than a buck fifty.
I'm thankful for my icemaker. It gives me both crushed and cubed, and I never, ever have to fill up trays or wrestle the ice out of them. I can honestly say that my ice maker has improved my relationship with my kids.
I'm happy that I have a big screen TV. It's not really mine, cause I'm renting it, but I love it. Not only is it better to watch all my favorite programs on the larger screen, I can read the listings of upcoming programs without my glasses.
I'm thrilled to have a DVR Recorder. A very nice companion to the big screen TV, I can record all the programs that I don't want to miss, and watch them when there's nothing else on. How convenient is that?
Not a night goes by when I'm not thankful for my ceiling fan. It was quite expensive, but worth every cent. It's quiet, actually controls the temperature of the room, has a light fixture, and it does all this via remote control. It's what every menopausal woman suffering with hot flashes needs!
I'm thankful for my AAA membership. No matter where I go, or even who's car I'm in, if I break down or get a flat tire they are there for me. Last year I had 2 flat tires on separate occasions, in absolutely subzero temperatures. I don't know what I would have done if AAA wasn't there to save me!
I'm thrilled with my Dyson vacuum cleaner. I will never be able to use any other. It really works, and never loses suction. And no matter how many times I break it, they always send me replacement parts for free! And without bags or belts I will always be able to use it whenever I have the urge to vacuum. If only I'd get the urge, it would work even better!
I'm so happy that lady standing outside of Bed, Body and Bath snagged me while I was walking by and slathered some cream called 'Pure Silk' onto my hands. My hands are so soft now, any man that took my hand in his wouldn't want to let go. If only I could find a man...
I'm thankful for MAC Cards, cell phones, gel nails and digital cameras.
But most of all, I'm thankful that I have a place to retreat to, anytime I want, called J-Land. A place where you can listen to the stories from people scattered across the world. You can read all about their latest adventures and even look at the pics. They share their familles, their hopes and their dreams. You quickly find yourself cheering them on, laughing at their antics, and dreading a visit from their mother-in-law right beside them. You share their joys and grieve their losses. They inspire and encourage you.
J-Land reduces the globe into a little neighborhood. The closest friends you may never meet, but are in your heart just the same.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Dear AOL...
HEY, AOL!
MY JOURNAL... MY ADS!
MAY I Recommend THE VASELINE?
IT'S ON SPECIAL TODAY,
ALL OVER J-LAND.
"AOL Journals. Your Thoughts. Your Blog."
I think that means it's MINE!
So get off my site with your stupid, blinking ads!
Here's a taste of your own medicine!
What's a blog?
A blog is your easy-to-use web site, where you can quickly post thoughts, interact with people, and more. All for FREE.
- Create an account
- Name your blog
- Choose a template
Friday, November 11, 2005
Trash Day In J-Land II...
After finishing my last entry I started wondering what trash day would be like in J-Land if we were all neighbors. Since every one of us is quite a character, it would probably be very entertaining to say the least...
If you’re not a regular visitor to J-Land … this story won’t make any sense to you at all. If you are a regular visitor... it probably still won't make any sense!
The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Cause in my stories, NO ONE is innocent.
It was a warm and beautiful morning in J-Land, and it just happened to be Trash Day. Andrea, from ‘Unhinged’ looked up from writing the novel that will someday be on The Best Seller’s List and peered out her window.
She noticed that Sharon from ‘Welcome To My Nightmare’ was running up and down the street yelling, “The Trash Men are coming! The Trash Men are coming ... I can FEEL it!”
Mrs. L from ‘Mrs. Linklater’s Guide To The Universe’ threw up her bedroom window in a rage. “WTF?” she screamed. “It’s 8am and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet! If you don’t pipe down honey, the only thing that you’ll be FEELING is my size 9 bunny slipper up your a**!”
Ty, from ‘Surrounded By Nincompoops’ was sitting on his front step, an empty beer can rolling slowly down his driveway towards the curb. “Now that’s MY kinda woman!” he laughed. He watched in amazement as his neighbors began to emerge from their houses, trash cans in tow. The last time Ty was seen taking out his trash was back in 1968.
Trish from ‘Journey To Peace’ burst from her house singing a medley of her greatest hits and dragging 2 huge bags of doggie doo behind her.
Shaz of ‘The Meaning Of Life… But I Could Be Wrong!’ staggered out of her humble dwelling wearing a ripped tee shirt, and the ugliest pair of cut off sweat pants that anyone had ever seen. She ran her fingers through her wild hair. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, ducks!” she called over to Sharon. “They won’t pass us by… I terrorized the postman and I’m not afraid of the trash blokes either!”
Suddenly, Andrea, from ‘The Official Journal of Pointless Posting’ tore out of her garage with enough attitude to stop traffic. She was holding a riding crop in her hand while her frightened personal attendant tried to carry 6 large boxes to the street without dropping them. “Faster boy, faster! I need a pedicure when you’re finished!” she admonished him cruely.
By now the J-Landers were out in full force making mad dashes to put out their recyclables before the trash trucks came around the corner.
Just then, NJlittlebear of ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ appeared out of nowhere. “OK!” he screamed putting his hands on his hips and scowling at the others. “Which one of you biatches reported me to TOS for objectionable content THIS week? Hmmm?”
Pamela from ‘Just One Girls Head Noise’ frantically tried to round up all the stray cats sniffing around everybody’s refuse.
Jimmy of ‘The Stuipdsheet Guy’ went door-to-door offering to help everyone get out their trash on time and offering LeighAnn from ‘Hit Me Again’ a friendly, and much needed cup of sugar.
Meanwhile, Maryanne, the author of ‘My Feelings Are Real’ who was up to greet the morning wearing a pink tutu and matching ballet slippers was seen hammering ‘For Sale’ signs on everyone’s lawns. “Can’t blame a gal for trying!” she smiled warmly.
Bosox, of the ‘Dating Tips For Psychopaths’ fame, was rummaging through his neighbors trash looking for old issues of ‘Modern Drunkard’.
Not to be out done, Nikki, of ‘A Single Woman’s Guide To The Universe’, wearing the old bridesmaid gown that made her look like a peach colored monk, stood in her driveway accepting delivery of a dumpster. Yes, she had finally decided to give up being a pack rat, and needed more than a few lousy trash cans to clean out her house. It didn't go unnoticed when she slipped the driver a few left over pieces of Halloween candy and her phone number.
Everyone waved to Jeff Comedy from ‘What The Hell’ as he raced to his car, apparently late for work once again. “No time for trash today, folks!” he called over his shoulder. “I over slept and I need a smoke!”
He ran past Mary’s house, of ‘Alphawoman’s Blog’, barely noticing all the newspapers strewn across her lawn. As usual, she was away on another fascinating trip.
Albert of ‘Albert’s World of Artsy Fun’ walked regally to his curb, dressed in a purple velvet robe and slippers. He was the only one that had put out his trash the night before. “Oh no! What was I thinking?!” he cried remorsefully. “I could never part with this… or this… or THIS!” He clasped the items to his chest, and when he was finished he went back into his house with more things than he had thrown away.
Debbie, from ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ (the female version), came out of her house with freshly baked spinach pie. We all had a piece except for John, cause he was too busy telling us about the diet he was on 7 years ago (but I don’t think anyone was really listening).
As the trash trucks pulled up to the curbs, Tilly, from ‘Adventures Of A Desperately Fat Housewife’ ran out of her yard, carrying a huge bag of assorted plush animals, and trailing 6 kids behind her. “Oh no you don’t!” she cried as only a woman with 47 loads of dirty laundry waiting to be done can do. “Don’t even THINK about pulling away without taking these blasted, over stuffed bean bags from hell!” I have to admit it was a little hard to take her threats seriously while she was still wearing her Wonder Woman costume… Her hubby didn't seem to mind though.
Since Scott, from ‘Stories From My Ambulance’, is never home long enough to make any trash of his own, he just sat there behind the wheel of his rig, ready to assist us in the event of any dumpster disasters.
Vivi, from ‘Nwanyioma’s Journal’ offered to design an award for The Prettiest Trash Can and The Best Recycler.
Kris from ‘Is This Thing On’ wrote a beautiful essay describing the entire event.
Right before we all gathered up our empty cans to bring them back in, everybody’s favorite cop, Nemo, from ‘Screamin’ Remo’ came riding by in his patrol car. And he was proudly displaying Mrs. Linklater’s Vulvi right in the middle of his dashboard.
I hope everyone knows that I wrote this out of love and extreme admiration for the above mentioned Journalists.
I only hope they forgive me!
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