Thursday, April 15, 2004

It had to happen sooner or later...

I guess you could say that I am an Atkin's success story.  I've been on this diet for almost a month and I have lost 10 pounds of fat so far.  My clothes fit better.  I can even button my coat without straining the buttons and I wore a pair of jeans this past Saturday that were too tight a few weeks ago.  The candy in my desk drawer at the hospital doesn't call out to me anymore, and I've been alone in a room on several occasions with open boxes of cinnamon rolls without finding myself 10 minutes later, licking icing from my fingertips.  In fact, Ray left for Chicago on Monday, and I haven't eaten so much as a jellybean since he's been gone.  The last time he went away I went on a carbohydrate feeding frenzy.  I am very excited about our upcoming trip to Punta Cana, and I know that I'll look much better in a bathing suit when I get there.  But despite all this progress I feel disappointed somehow.  Lonely.  Bored.  Left out.  Like this is the end of a wild, fantastic party where everyone had the time of their lives, and now they're gone.  Just me and a broom standing there surrounded by empty champagne glasses, deflated balloons and confetti all over the floor.  It's not because I miss the carbohydrates.  Oh, I am absolutely tired of eggs and cheese, and I'm still thirsty for an Arizona Ice tea.  But it's more than that.  Much more.  I think I'm missing... that way of life.  The innocence or ability to indulge without giving a second thought to what the consequences might be.  I miss having the feeling that I was indestructible.  Believing that there was still plenty of time left to correct any mistakes I've made.  Just one month ago the last thing I stressed over was what I was going to eat.  If I was hungry, all I had to do was tear open a package, or pick up the phone and have something delivered.  The only time I used any self-restraint when looking at a menu, was when I was trying to decide what I could have for dinner and still have enough room for dessert.  I didn't avoid caffeine or artificial sugar.  I didn't care about sodium content or calories.  But those days are over.  I am no longer innocent.  I know that I am responsible for what goes into my body and I must now suffer for a lifetime of bad habits.  Myprior indiscretions are here to haunt me.  Water weight gain.  Tooth decay.  Stomach ulcers.  High percentage of body fat.  Cellulite and wrinkles.  High blood pressure.  A cholesterol level of 250, even after taking Lipitor.  A fat tummy that has me well on the road to diabetes.  Weak and flabby muscles.  Bunions from years of wearing tight, pointy high heels.  Arthritic joints from lack of exercise.  Shortness of breath on any exertion from smoking most of my adult life.  I guess it's time to pay the piper.  And the tab is much higher than I ever thought it would be.  The day that I never thought would come... is here.  I'm all grown up whether I like it or not.  I can hold my breath or lie down and kick my feet for as long as I want to, but I'm not going to get my own way this time.  I have to face the fact that I am not going to live forever, and even if I could, it wouldn't be long enough.  My irresponsibility, laziness and poor judgment have caught up with me.  Damage control is all I can strive for now.  And, just to show you how seriously I am taking this, I'm going to resist the urge to ask if I can get that control with a side order of cheese fries.  I'm just kidding.  I'm on it...

8 comments:

sonensmilinmon said...

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a carbohydrate kid!!!  

I wish I had your strength!

Smilin Mon

somenuttychic said...

Awww. You sound so depressed. Try to look at the positive side of this: by making a lifestyle change as you are, you will reap some amazing benefits. It's not too late to reap the rewards of better eating habits, etc. If you keep this up, believe me, in another year or so, are going to be even better looking than you do now. It's a trade off. I admire your strength and determination.

babygsmommy said...

I am so proud of you. I have been on vacation for a week and i've been recovering from that same vacation for another week! (Cabo) I haven't been here to visit and look what you've done! I am still not fully recovered from my "elective" surgury and I cannot really exercise. I feel so bad. You, again, inspire me. I am jumping on the bandwagon. Thanks again, Heather

alphawoman1 said...

I am right there with you.  I cringe when I think how long I smoked (off and on since I was 12!!!).  I cringe when I think of the damage I do to my liver because I love to drink (since 16).  Something HURTS on the right side of my lower side when I drink too much or sometimes for no reason at all.  I gain 10 pounds every winter and then somehow manage to get "most of it" off the next summer, but.....some of it hangs on.  I diet now (South Beach) ...only about 5 pounds in a month.  My body is not responding well to deprivation.  I tried Adkin's last year and ended up in a carbo coma in a Golden Corral two weeks later....not good, not good.  Keep up the good work.  

lifes2odd said...

Wow, that sounds exactly like me...well, except for the part about finally doing something about it all! I keep trying and failing, trying and failing, I jus don't want to have to do it!! Getting old stinks!!

readmereadyou said...

Okay, let me know when you get out of the pity pot. Geez! You're not dying. If this is what Atkins did to my Lisa, he's lucky he's dead already. : )
Isn't there a happy medium somewhere? Where you can have a treat now and then and not go into mourning or beating yourself to death? I can't tell you the number of plump women I knew who lived to 95 and up to as much as 102. I too believe in eating well and not too many fast foods but JOY (endorphins) also makes for a healthy body. OKay, I'm done being a pain in the @ss! : )

mysterynurse2 said...

You do sound depressed. I'm thinking, balanced diet, not depriving yourself.
That way, you take care of your body, the whole body.  I'm  just worried about you.                                                                             Linda

karynetaylor said...

WHOOOOOMMMPPPP!

That was my fat ass, jumping on YOUR bandwagon, cuz you have put it all here in a matter-of-fact way that makes a TON of sense. Use of the word TON intentional! ha ha.

I'll keep checking in. You keep motivating me, and we'll all get in our jeans together!

~ Karyn