Men and Women

 

Not too many things about menopause are funny.  I should know... I'm going through it.  I'd rather be going around it, but I don't think that's possible.  Anyway... once in a while I do find something on the subject that catches my eye, grabs my attention and lifts my spirits.

More often than not, it's usually something derogatory about men in general.  I don't want to leave you with the impression that I don't like men.  My father was a man, and I loved him anyway.  I have a few younger brothers who were left in my care many times with no subsequent harm.  I was married to a man for 28 years and he emerged from the union alive, functional, and still in possession of all his body parts.  My favorite teacher was a man.  More than half of the patients I have cared for in my nursing career have been men, and most of them recovered.  All my girlfriends are married to men.  My son grew up to be one, and there's every indication that my grandson will be one someday as well.  I love both of them with all my heart and soul.  

So you see, I have a long history with men.  And lots of experience.  No matter what we do, it appears that men are here to stay.  We might as well make the best of it.  And once in a while we can get in a chuckle or two.  Here's one I had yesterday.  Several times.  I wish I knew who the author was, so I could give her the credit she so richly deserves...

Dear Tide:

  I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me that it was the best.

  Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was... he complained that I drank too much... and then he insinuated that I was never a good cook either...  One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my new white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it didn't work.  After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, ALL of the stains came out!

   In fact, they came out so well, the detectives stopped by my house yesterday to tell me that the DNA tests they performed on my blouse were negative.  Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.  This is quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.

I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Oh, I hope she had a big life insurance policy on him.  Is it wrong to laugh at such a letter?  At this point in my life... I really don't care.  I'm going to laugh anyway.  Maybe I can blame it on a lifetime of living with the 'persona' of men...

Irritating little teasers that trip you in the school yard, make faces, run faster, and get to pee standing up.  Boys with no fear of bugs, no tangles in their hair and get to go swimming without their shirts on in the summer.  Still... the crush you get on one is all consuming.

Teenage football jocks and local bad boys that get into fights, drive fast, drink a lot, and yell comments at you when you try to walk by inconspicuously.  Boys who spend all night trying to get to first base and then brag about it for weeks later, even if they never got there.  College guys who party all night, major in spring break, drink even more and drive even faster.  Still... falling in love with one is all consuming.

Young men who get paid more and get promoted before you, and can move furniture and open jars.  They look the same in the morning as they did when they went to bed, and don't care if they have a fat tummy or cellulite on the backs of their thighs.  They have never planned activities around their period or stayed home because they had cramps.  Most men never have to shave their legs, armpits or bikini zone and don't care if their breasts sag.  They don't suffer with morning sickness, stretch marks, childbirth, or have to sit on their stitches.  Men never wonder how they're going to have a career AND be a good father at the same time.  They are almost immediately forgiven when they forget to send a card, buy a gift, or write a thank you letter.  They aren't expected to bring any food dishes with them when they're invited to dinner, or feel obligated to help clean up afterwards.  They never wonder if they can wear white shoes past September or starve themselves so they can look good in a bathing suit.  They can talk loud, smoke cigars, curse, burp, scratch all their itchy parts, and tell someone they think they're "hot" without tarnishing their reputation.  Men don't worry about date rape or have nightmares about being attacked.

They don't plan weddings, throw baby showers, or write out thank you cards.  If they volunteer to go on a school trip with the kids, attend a PTA meeting, or bake cup cakes everyone thinks they're wonderful.  They never worry about breaking a nail, getting a runner, or carrying Tampons.  They've never looked to see if there is lipstick on their teeth, or tried to remove water proof mascara.  They've never had their legs up in stirrups, did a self breast exam, or tried to remember if they took their pill this morning.  They've never ruined a pair of panties or talked to their friends about douching.  They've never have an abnormal pap smear, hot flashes or PMS.  They don't have accidents when they cough, laugh or sneeze.  No one thinks badly of them if they never get married or have children, and they've never heard the ticking of a biological clock.  Even if they father a child at age 90, they don't question the health of the child.  They look better than we do as they get older, and they get to keep their last names even after they get married.  Most men don't wonder if their mates are hanging out in bars and strip clubs at night or if they will leave them for someone half their age.  They never have to hope that their spouse will behave themselves while taking home the baby-sitter or attending a cocktail party with their colleagues.  They're never, ever distracted by thoughts of all they have to do tomorrow while they're having sex tonight.

Still... the love you have for one man can last a lifetime.  I cherish the love I have for the men in my life...  I can only hope my daughters are as lucky as me.