For All My Sisters!

Every time I pass the new rowing machine 

in the living room I feel guilty. 

In my mind, I can hear my mother's voice saying,

"Do you know there are millions of flabby people 

in other countries that would just LOVE 

to have an exercise machine like that?"  

So today I decided to give it a try.  

I wasn't nearly as coordinated or graceful 

as I thought I was, 

but everything always evens out.  

I wasn't nearly as thin and firm 

as I thought I was either.  

Which is pretty discouraging since I really didn't imagine myself as the picture of physical fitness in the first place.  

Just like all of my past projects, 

I have more work ahead of me than I thought.  

Of course, if I gave up Entenmann's Pastries, Tastykakes, and Dunkin' Donuts 

I would probably get into shape a lot faster.  

But... I'm 63 years old.  

How good should I look anyway?  

Do I really want all of my girlfriends 

to end up hating me?  

Do I want to make other women my age 

feel bad about themselves in comparison?  

It will be hard enough on them when they see 

what great endurance, stamina and flexibility 

I'll soon have.  

How egotistical would it be 

for me to also become thin, firm and have 

zero percent body fat as well?  

NO!  I am NOT that kind of woman!  

I will not cause my Sisters In Menopausal Madness any more misery than they already have!  

Today... I am going to buy a dozen Dunkin' Donuts!  It's the right thing to do.

The Ten Commandments of Dieting

Well, here I am again. Dieting.

The way I gain and lose weight

makes me think I should have persued

a career on Wall Street.

I've been doing quite a bit of research on the subject.

Apparently, the first thing a determined dieter should do

is get rid of all the junk food in their cupboards. 

Okay. So I'm eating mine.

Does it really matter how you reach the goal?

Plus, according to the Scriptures 

it will actually keep me from getting hungry. 

"Waste not, want not." 

See?

Below are my Ten Commandments of Dieting,

tastefully written after years of experience.

  They don't actually work, 

but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  

And sometimes, not gaining any more weight 

is just as good as losing it.  Bon Appetit! 

1)  Consuming a candy bar right before dinner 

will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2)Food additives are calorie-free.  

Examples: Icing on a cake, gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.

3) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  

Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  

Please note that since brown is a neutral color, 

chocolate can be substituted for any other food color.

4) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, 

will not count in your daily caloric total.  

Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, 

fund raisers, birthdays, retirements and 

Tupperware Parties.

  5) It is always permissible to eat some, 

if not all of your own birthday cake.

6) Candy consumed during the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag, filling an Easter Basket or Christmas Stocking is not subject to weight gain. 

It's required parenting.

7)  No matter what the label says, 

a package only contains one serving.  

A half gallon of ice cream, 

a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies...

8)  Any food with "empty calories" means no calories. 

Hence the word "empty".

9) If you want to eat candy without guilt, eat Tootsie Rolls. The vigourous chewing required to ingest these tasty morsels negate their caloric content. 

In fact, if you chew rapidly, you'll lose weight.

10) Since cardiologists have determined that 

dark chocolate is good for your heart,

it stands to reason that milk chocolate 

must be at least a little good for your heart. 

So go ahead. Eat healthy!

I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  

They are easier to memorize if you read them 

while eating a cream donut.

NOTE: The above mentioned article was written for entertainment purposes only. Results of following said 'Ten Commandments of Dieting' will not include weight loss. All references to actual nutritional information is purely coincidental and not meant to be used as a sound medical diet.

The Even Bigger Picture...

Alas, my 55th birthday is almost upon me. My daughters are excited because I now qualify for a discount at many of the stores they shop in. Yea, me.

With the birthday, comes the ominous signs of rapidly approaching old age. Not much I can do to stop it, but I guess I could try to slow it down a little. I have many options to chose from. Number One would be to quit smoking. Again. Soon. Yes, soon. I am officially committing to plan to quit. There. I feel better already. That wasn't too hard. Number Two. Lose weight. I'm sure that won't be as much fun as gaining it but, I need to do it. 

Some people would say I am procrastinating by sitting here writing an entry in my Blog instead of working out or planning a calorie diary. They would be right, but I have a very good reason. Even though I 'm not actively losing any weight at this particular moment, I'm not actively gaining any weight either. I'm making progress already! 

Personally, I find it extremely annoying when I hear one of my anorexic friends say that they have to lose 5 pounds. How hard is THAT?

So... just to keep this interesting, let me tell you what trials and tribulations I feel lie ahead of me. I have to lose a minimum of 30 pounds despite being a born again, totally committed, outrageously zealous, fanatically loyal carbohydrate addict and chocoholic. Reducing even a fraction of fat, calories, and carbs would be physically painful for me. ELIMINATING them will be nearly impossible. 

I'm currently on hormone replacement therapy for menopause symptoms. They do help, but I am still suffering from borderline terroristic mood swings and hot flashes. Why this extreme rise in body temperature doesn't increase your metabolism, is beyond me. These hormonal fluctuations make me ravenous most of the day, and regularly wake me up at night. As for exercise, there is no chance that I can develop, find or purchase any amount of stamina, endurance, physical strength or coordination. I have tried bicycling, skating, tennis, jogging, swimming, and golf. Unfortunately, each activity proved to be personally challenging to me. I am a klutz with no sense of balance, who has the uncanny ability to fall over at any given moment. I have always missed every ball in every sport I ever attempted to play and I have a phobia of wasps, bees, and great white sharks. I have 3 slipped disks in my back so I'm always in some degree of pain. My cholesterol level is 340... and that's AFTER taking medication to bring it down. 

So, although I clearly have a lot of reasons to get myself into better condition, those same reasons are going to make it a lot harder to get there…  (stay tuned)