The Ten Commandments of Dieting

Well, here I am again. Dieting.

The way I gain and lose weight

makes me think I should have persued

a career on Wall Street.

I've been doing quite a bit of research on the subject.

Apparently, the first thing a determined dieter should do

is get rid of all the junk food in their cupboards. 

Okay. So I'm eating mine.

Does it really matter how you reach the goal?

Plus, according to the Scriptures 

it will actually keep me from getting hungry. 

"Waste not, want not." 

See?

Below are my Ten Commandments of Dieting,

tastefully written after years of experience.

  They don't actually work, 

but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  

And sometimes, not gaining any more weight 

is just as good as losing it.  Bon Appetit! 

1)  Consuming a candy bar right before dinner 

will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2)Food additives are calorie-free.  

Examples: Icing on a cake, gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.

3) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  

Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  

Please note that since brown is a neutral color, 

chocolate can be substituted for any other food color.

4) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, 

will not count in your daily caloric total.  

Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, 

fund raisers, birthdays, retirements and 

Tupperware Parties.

  5) It is always permissible to eat some, 

if not all of your own birthday cake.

6) Candy consumed during the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag, filling an Easter Basket or Christmas Stocking is not subject to weight gain. 

It's required parenting.

7)  No matter what the label says, 

a package only contains one serving.  

A half gallon of ice cream, 

a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies...

8)  Any food with "empty calories" means no calories. 

Hence the word "empty".

9) If you want to eat candy without guilt, eat Tootsie Rolls. The vigourous chewing required to ingest these tasty morsels negate their caloric content. 

In fact, if you chew rapidly, you'll lose weight.

10) Since cardiologists have determined that 

dark chocolate is good for your heart,

it stands to reason that milk chocolate 

must be at least a little good for your heart. 

So go ahead. Eat healthy!

I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  

They are easier to memorize if you read them 

while eating a cream donut.

NOTE: The above mentioned article was written for entertainment purposes only. Results of following said 'Ten Commandments of Dieting' will not include weight loss. All references to actual nutritional information is purely coincidental and not meant to be used as a sound medical diet.