The Less-er Me!

The road to a healthier lifestyle starts with one small step. I cleaned out my kitchen cabinets and threw away everything that wasn't healthy. By the time I finished, there was nothing left. I decided that I had to go food shopping. 

By the number of people in Shop Rite, I have to assume that many people still cook and use real food. I know I shouldn't have gone food shopping when I was hungry. All of my cupboards were bare. Think healthy, I told myself.  Healthy? I only eat meat and vegetables to keep myself alive so I can eat more carbs.

Ice cream, Cheese Pop Corn, Entenmann's Cakes. The hardest part was walking through the Bakery Section. I bet they have a bakery in heaven. There is nothing on earth like the smell of cinnamon. I saw blueberry muffins with sugar crumb topping. Strawberry Short Cakes. Cherry Danish.  Chocolate layer cake with buttercream icing.  

The temptations were almost too much to bear.  Actually they WERE too much. If I didn't have a doctor's appointment today, I'd still be there. Only a SWAT Team and a sharpshooter would have been capable of taking me out. Shoppers would have grabbed their children and run to the exit doors, fearing for their very lives. The store manager would have begged me over the intercom not to rip open any more packages of sticky buns. Newscasters would have interviewed my neighbors on live TV.  "She seemed like such a quiet woman.... We're totally shocked."  The surveillance cameras would have shown me clutching a Jewish Apple Cake to my chest. Eyes wild and glazed. Melted chocolate and powdered sugar all over my face.  "Come any closer and I'll eat another one!  I mean it!" 

I can do this. I am the master of my own destiny.The skinny woman inside of me is screaming to get out. 

Sigh! I am going to untie her and remove her gag. Then I'm going to strangle her!

Who me—worry?

I have always been a worrier. I probably worried about the other babies in the nursery shortly after I was born.There's nothing I haven't worried about. My family and friends. Co-workers. Neighbors. My Readers. Facebook friends and their families. Celebrities. Politicians. Foreign governments. Global Warming. My dogs. My granddaughter's kitten. My M-I-L's elderly dog.

Rainforests. Animals on the endangered species lists. Missing Children.

I worry about my own health and everyone else's. The Deficit. Our troops. The American Economy. Crime. The unemployed. How long will Social Security last? Violence in schools and bullies. Sex offenders. The people at church. My Pastor. His wife. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not worried enough. Or that I haven't worried about something I should have been worried about. It bothers me when I see other people who don't seem to be worried at all. I worry that their lack of worrying will cause future catastrophes. 

I wonder if worrying will prevent bad things from happening, or lessen the degree of a particular incident. Sort of like a Catholic's Purgatory. If you say enough prayers while you're living, you won't have to spend as much time in Purgatory after you die.

I worry that my anxieties might be a... problem. I suppose I could seek counseling or go on medication. But then I'd have to worry about making appointments, getting there, remembering to take the pills and the adverse effects of anti-anxiety agents on my body.

Somebody has to do the worrying. Don't worry. I got your back!

Spam Checkers

Maybe it's because I'm getting old and crotchety, but it doesn't take a lot to set me off now adays (including the fact that my spell checker firmly believes that 'now adays' is NOT a word. It IS! Isn't it?). 

However, there must be a certain amount of satisfaction derived from complaining. When I worked as a nursing supervisor everyone complained to me. I can only assume it's because it makes them feel better. So, today I want to rant about 'Word Verification'.

I enjoy reading many Blogs, and sometimes I leave a comment. Or, I TRY to leave a comment. I get it just right (one that will make everyone think I'm funny, clever and oh, so entertaining) and then that 'Word Verification' box comes up. Your comment will not be posted unless you type in the word that is written in the box. They claim it's to protect the Blog Writer from spam generated by computers. That only a human is able to read the 'Word Verification'.

This rubs me in all the wrong places (and usually causes me to suffer additional hot flashes I might not have had) for several reasons.

1) I write a Blog. I would gladly erase spam comments from my Blog if it made it easier for Readers to comment. I want my Readers to enjoy themselves while they're here, not suffer even one teensy speck of extra frustration. I personally know many of my Readers and believe me when I say they don't need any more frustration in their lives.

2) Does someone actually think that HUMANS don't write spam messages?

3) I'm middle-aged with LOTS of company. We Baby Boomers will soon be in the majority. (Yea Us!) Most of the time I can't READ the 'Word Verification'. They write what they think is a cleverly disguised word for us to re-type. The word is usually twisted. Sometimes the letters are typed close together, and it's hard to distinguish one from another. Often, I'm not sure if the letter is a lower case 'L' or an upper case 'I'. 

I never get it on the first attempt. Occasionally, my initial frustration is exasperated by the entire comment being erased. The one that I so cleverly wrote, but can't remember now. 

WHY DO THEY DO THIS? Why can't we just write a darn comment, and then let the Blog writer decide whether to post it or not? Why does every little thing have to be so hard? 

Where's my wine?

Leave me a comment. If you can!

Procrastination

My husband Bob officially retired last December. Since then, we've been so busy we now wonder how we had time to work. We just can't seem to get the hang of 'retirement'.
Fearing we might squander all of the time we have left on our roads to eventual demise, I'm taking today OFF! 

The question is... where to start?  The possibilities are endless. I sit here bursting with anticipation and excitement. 

Home alone (Bob decided to use HIS day training hunting dogs) there is absolutely nothing to distract me or interfere in my progress.  I feel a sense of power. Impending accomplishment.   

But, planning is everything. I shouldn't waste a day like today on something menial or insignificant. I'll hate myself tonight if I don't accomplish something important.

But where should I start? 

I am not going to waste a single second.  I won't do anything that could be done on an ordinary weekend. This is too special a day to squander recklessly.   

I could sort through all my old photographs and put them into an album. That's something I've been wanting to do for years, and it would certainly give me a great sense of satisfaction. But a project of such monumental proportions would take much more time than one day would permit, so I better save it for when I have a Special Week.  

Of course, I doubt that I will ever have an entire week where I don't have any plans.  But you never know. I could get hurt... and have to take a month off to recover.  I see it happen to other people all the time. Yes. It's not a matter of IF... it's a matter of when. So when I hurt myself, I will definitely sort through all of my old photographs. It's good to know that I won't be lying on the couch wondering what to do with myself if I sprain an ankle. I have a PLAN.

But what to do today? 

I have to bear in my mind that whatever I decide to do, I must have it finished by the time Bob gets home. He hates it when I'm working and he's not. The only thing worse than an un-started project is a half completed one. Hmmmmmm... 

On the other hand, I can't sit around all day on the computer, wandering aimlessly from one website to another. Browsing exotic vacations we can't afford to take, researching rare illnesses I'll never get, and entering contests I'll never win. Then again, life is funny. You never know when something odd might happen. I hate being unprepared.  Somebody has to win the contest.  Odds are that sooner or later it will be me. Should I just give up and not enter them? How pessimistic is that? And if I did win, wouldn't it be nice to already know where I want to go on vacation?  

And what if... the pain I've always had in my right wrist really ISN'T tendonitis? What if it's a symptom of something more... sinister? Perhaps it could be a condition that if caught early, might be survivable? Now THERE'S a worthwhile cause.  Saving my own life! What's the sense in planning projects if I'm DYING? 

I'm glad I thought this through!  Thank God I took today off! This might take all afternoon!

I better get to it... I'm not one to procrastinate! 

Get Your Gift

Think about it.

You're given a magnificent gift.

All you have to do is accept it.

The gift will give you eternal life in a world beyond your wildest dreams.

Of course, you'd accept the gift.

Wouldn't you?

It's a no-brainer.

It cost the giver His life. He knew it would,

but he cared about you so much he gave his life willingly.

You discover that He wants to give the same gift to your children.

Your family, friends, and neighbors.

But they have to accept the gift before it's too late.

If they die first, they'll spend eternity in hell.

A place worse than your greatest fears.

You'd make sure your kids new about the man.

Make them accept the gift so you could all spend eternity together.

What kind of parent wouldn't want that for their children?

And yet, there are millions, maybe billions of people in the world

who won't accept the gift. Or tell their kids about it.

Why?

Are they crazy? Stupid?

If a stranger was giving away hundred dollar bills

I doubt there'd be a single person who would refuse.

And yet this man, the one who not only wants to give you eternal life, 

but also gave his life for us,

is turned away on a daily basis.

Just say:

 Thank you.

I accept your wonderful gift.

I certainly don't deserve it,

but I accept it.

And I will rush home and tell my family about you.

And my children. Friends and neighbors.

I love them all and I want them to share this gift with me.

And then I will spread the word to even those I've never met.

I want every person in the world to know that no matter how evil their past,

how many sins they've committed,

they will be forgiven.

That Jesus died on the cross for all of us.

Especially for the worst of us.

There is not a sin in the history of mankind

too evil to be washed away by the blood of the son of God.

What are you waiting for?

Death will claim all of us.

Accept your gift before it's too late.

Save your kids. It's your job.

Do it now.

Controlled Substances

It has come to my attention that since I have been so immersed in re-writing my novel the following situations have occurred:

1) Laundry: We have no underwear.  Even the emergency supply of older underwear is now dirty and lying beside the overflowing hamper.
2) Errands: We are out of dog treats.
3) Dusting: It is so dusty in here that it has been suggested that if anyone were to accidentally drop a seed it could take root and grow.
4) Dishes: We have no clean dishes or flatware.  The dishwasher is full.

5) Health: Nothing's getting firmer if there's dust on the rower!
6) Communication: Avid rock climbers are now asking to climb the pile of junk mail on my kitchen table for training purposes. I have over 25,000 unread Emails.
7) Beauty: My legs and brows are almost as hairy as Bob's.
8) Maintenance: There is still a Christmas wreath hanging on our front door. All my houseplants have died. 

Needless to say, I need to get my priorities in order, stop procrastinating, and get to work. So I am going to have to stop blogging on a regular basis, and just write one whenever I get the chance. 

 As soon as I finish this cup of coffee I am so out of here. The laundry is as good as done. 

I'm not even going to sign onto Facebook later to check my notifications. See? I'm already doing so well. You won't be seeing any humorous comments from me. Nope. I'll have to forgo wishing my friends a happy birthday. Stop posting cute videos and sharing meaningful sayings. No likes or LOL's. No shares. New friends will have to wait.  

Uh-oh. I think Bob is walking over to pull the plug! He's yelling, "PUT THE MOUSE DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!" Isn't he just too cute?  I should write an entry on all the cute things he does!  But not today. Sigh. OH, ALL RIGHT!  Don't forget me, guys!!  I'll be back!

For All My Sisters!

Every time I pass the new rowing machine 

in the living room I feel guilty. 

In my mind, I can hear my mother's voice saying,

"Do you know there are millions of flabby people 

in other countries that would just LOVE 

to have an exercise machine like that?"  

So today I decided to give it a try.  

I wasn't nearly as coordinated or graceful 

as I thought I was, 

but everything always evens out.  

I wasn't nearly as thin and firm 

as I thought I was either.  

Which is pretty discouraging since I really didn't imagine myself as the picture of physical fitness in the first place.  

Just like all of my past projects, 

I have more work ahead of me than I thought.  

Of course, if I gave up Entenmann's Pastries, Tastykakes, and Dunkin' Donuts 

I would probably get into shape a lot faster.  

But... I'm 63 years old.  

How good should I look anyway?  

Do I really want all of my girlfriends 

to end up hating me?  

Do I want to make other women my age 

feel bad about themselves in comparison?  

It will be hard enough on them when they see 

what great endurance, stamina and flexibility 

I'll soon have.  

How egotistical would it be 

for me to also become thin, firm and have 

zero percent body fat as well?  

NO!  I am NOT that kind of woman!  

I will not cause my Sisters In Menopausal Madness any more misery than they already have!  

Today... I am going to buy a dozen Dunkin' Donuts!  It's the right thing to do.

CSI Clean!

I must admit that I watch too much TV.  

By far, my favorite shows are crime stories. Criminal Minds. Law and Order. 

Blue Bloods. Forensic Files. 

It's fascinating to watch the detectives gather evidence with scientific equipment.

But how can I justify my

interest in such shows?  

Will this knowledge help me at home?  

No matter how much I fantasize, 

when I dust my living room... 

it's not for fingerprints.

Blood spatter analysis

doesn't help me wipe up spills in the kitchen. 

The shows do affect my daily activities though. 

I get such satisfaction knowing that when I'm finished cleaning my house, 

the only dirt and fibers that could be obtained by the team at MY crime scene,

would have to be left 

by the perpetrator himself. 

Socially, I can see where a little forensic knowledge might alienate you.  

It's not polite to 'interrogate' the neighbors, 

and they DO notice when you're making mental notes on what brand of cigarettes they smoke, 

what size shoes they wear, 

and the existence and location 

of any tattoos they might have. 

Looking back on my life experiences, 

I realize that I have never been called upon 

to pick someone out of a lineup, describe a suspect to a sketch artist, 

or even look through any mug shots.  

It would be much more rewarding for me 

to watch a TV program on Bible study, 

health issues, or writing books. 

Do I worry that watching all these crime stories might make me paranoid?  

Not at all.  

I don't think it's asking too much for immediate family members and close friends 

to provide a small DNA sample 

for possible future forensic comparison.  Do you?

My Trash Conspiracy Theory

We missed the trash men again today. For some reason, they don't seem to stick to a schedule. Nothing screams failure louder than being the only person on the block with full trash cans. Dripping with humiliation as your neighbors drag in their empty ones.

Why does this happen? Unless a person had a big party, we put out the same amount of trash every week. Requiring the same amount of time to pick it up. I've spent years contemplating the  possible answer and here's my theory: 

I could be wrong, but collecting trash is probably not a highly stimulating occupation. It would only be natural for the workers to try to make it more exciting. 

I think, in their attempt to unwind, they gather at the end of the day and laugh themselves silly. Each is trying to top the other's story about who got  'left out' this week. They might even take pictures of the 'jilted' clients, standing at the end of their driveways in disbelief. Catch us scratching our heads and looking up and down the street in stunned silence. Searching for the reason why we missed trash day yet again. They post these photos on the walls of their office to re-live the incidents at every opportunity.

"Look at this one!" one says pointing to his favorite victim. "Remember Mrs. L in her pink robe and bunny slippers when she missed us for the second week in a row?  She stood there cursing for 20 minutes!" I can imagine them doubled over with laughter. 

"I got that beat!" another chimes in, removing a tattered photograph from his wallet to share with the others. "I  waited around the corner till this guy drug out all six of his trash cans. After he went back into his house, I picked up every can on his  street–except HIS!" Gasping with laughter, he passes the photo around to his eager listeners. "Notice the look on his face when he sees all his trash still sitting there. He thinks he's lost his mind!"  

Another dumpster devil jumps into the conversation. "That's classic, my friend! Isn't he the stockbroker with the solid gold name plates on his lids?" 

The man holding the picture is laughing so hard, all he can do is nod.

That must be it. We are merely today's entertainment and tomorrow's trophies. Unwitting participants in the game of trash collection. Doomed to remain dateless for the prom and unpicked to play dodge ball in the 5th grade.

Still, we hold on to the glimmer of hope that next week we'll be one of the lucky ones bringing in an empty trash can.

The article above is purely fictional and written with loving, sarcastic humor. It in no way implies my dissatisfaction with the hard working trash collectors who, in my opinion, deserve to make more money than any other government employee and live in the lap pf luxury.

The Ten Commandments of Dieting

Well, here I am again. Dieting.

The way I gain and lose weight

makes me think I should have persued

a career on Wall Street.

I've been doing quite a bit of research on the subject.

Apparently, the first thing a determined dieter should do

is get rid of all the junk food in their cupboards. 

Okay. So I'm eating mine.

Does it really matter how you reach the goal?

Plus, according to the Scriptures 

it will actually keep me from getting hungry. 

"Waste not, want not." 

See?

Below are my Ten Commandments of Dieting,

tastefully written after years of experience.

  They don't actually work, 

but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  

And sometimes, not gaining any more weight 

is just as good as losing it.  Bon Appetit! 

1)  Consuming a candy bar right before dinner 

will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2)Food additives are calorie-free.  

Examples: Icing on a cake, gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.

3) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  

Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  

Please note that since brown is a neutral color, 

chocolate can be substituted for any other food color.

4) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, 

will not count in your daily caloric total.  

Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, 

fund raisers, birthdays, retirements and 

Tupperware Parties.

  5) It is always permissible to eat some, 

if not all of your own birthday cake.

6) Candy consumed during the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag, filling an Easter Basket or Christmas Stocking is not subject to weight gain. 

It's required parenting.

7)  No matter what the label says, 

a package only contains one serving.  

A half gallon of ice cream, 

a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies...

8)  Any food with "empty calories" means no calories. 

Hence the word "empty".

9) If you want to eat candy without guilt, eat Tootsie Rolls. The vigourous chewing required to ingest these tasty morsels negate their caloric content. 

In fact, if you chew rapidly, you'll lose weight.

10) Since cardiologists have determined that 

dark chocolate is good for your heart,

it stands to reason that milk chocolate 

must be at least a little good for your heart. 

So go ahead. Eat healthy!

I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  

They are easier to memorize if you read them 

while eating a cream donut.

NOTE: The above mentioned article was written for entertainment purposes only. Results of following said 'Ten Commandments of Dieting' will not include weight loss. All references to actual nutritional information is purely coincidental and not meant to be used as a sound medical diet.