You bet I'm old!

I finally decided that since I can't stop the aging process I might as well make the most of it. Once you accept the inevitable, you're free to explore the possibilities!

Watching TV commercials has introduced me to a whole new world of convenience. Hurri-Canes. Granny Go-Carts. Depends (the pretty ones). Walk-In Tubs (I must admit the heated seat, jets, and aromatherapy sound pretty good!) The cell phones and iPads for seniors look easy. I can eat corn on the cob again if I get dentures and use Polygrip. Who needs a home security system when I can wear an emergency button around my neck? Someone will even talk back to me if I'm lost or have a medical question. How cool is that? Hearing aids are now discreet and you can eavesdrop on conversations across the room! 

My kids don't need to feel they're neglecting me anymore... I can have my very own 'angel' visit every day, fold my laundry and pretend she's interested in looking at my old photos. For just pennies a day I can have the funeral of my dreams! My family won't be left with unpaid bills, so they'll have lots of money to buy me a really pretty floral arrangement. 

With senior discounts, clubs, make-up, fab resorts, dating sites, and swinging complexes—getting old has never been more exciting. I bet soon you'll hear savvy men and women saying, "I'm 54 and A HALF years old," cause they can't wait to join AARP. For the second time in our lives, we'll be using fake ID's.

Can You See My Glow From Outer Space?

It's a shame that menopausal hot flashes have no real purpose. I'm not talking about the once-in-a-while, mild, rather uncomfortable feeling of warmth that some lucky women describe. I mean the all-encompassing, "yes, my entire body has been thrust into a pizza oven and I am about to burst into flames" kind of hot flash. I suffer with them numerous times a day, violently distracted from whatever I'm doing in an intense, often frenzied attempt to make it bearable. In between hot flashes, I'm dreading the next one. Many of my menopausal friends have been suffering with them for over 20 years! If no relief is in sight, can we make them WORTHWHILE? I have a few suggestions, if Mother Nature is listening:

1) Hot Flashes could be used to burn off one's sins. Thus, a woman who suffers with a great number of them, or ones of high intensity, could pretty much be assured a place in heaven when her time comes. 

2) If a woman has led a good life, and really doesn't have that many sins to burn off, her hot flashes could be used to burn off the sins of a loved one, or a favorite, but naughty friend.

3) With so many baby boomers suffering with hot flashes, it's a shame no one can figure out a way to capture all that heat and use it to a homeowner's advantage. We could lower our energy bills in the winter, heat pools in the summer and save the environment at the same time.

4) If the intense heat from a hot flash could be channeled and then shot out through the eyes or tips of fingers, menopausal women could sterilize a grandchild's dropped pacifier, dry clean her family's clothes, and steam clean carpets and drapes with a single glance. I'd even be willing to iron wrinkles out the clothes of strangers I met on the street. We could defrost dinner in a matter of seconds and melt chocolate for strawberry dipping or S'more preparation.

5) At the VERY LEAST, we should be able to conjure one up when we need one. Like walking out to the car on a frosty morning. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the instant warmth for a change? Eskimo women could keep the igloo toasty. Farmer's wives could hatch little chicks by the dozens. Moms could warm up their children after playing in the snow with just one hug. Aging nurses could warm blood and IV fluids right at the bedside. Sterilize instruments as the surgeon uses them.

I'm sure there must be dozens of uses for hot flashes. Can we find a silver lining to this dark and disturbing cloud? I can't see any danger in pursuing it. I doubt that legions of unbalanced women would get together and plot to destroy the world with a simultaneous hot flash of epic proportion. Besides... the benefits would certainly outweigh the risks.

Alas, I am not a genius or a doctor. My only hope is that maybe some scientist will read this and get inspired. A Nobel Peace Prize may be at stake!

Please Allow 4-6 Weeks For Delivery

I now realize that I have the power to make my life easier, happier and healthier without even leaving the comfort of my own living room. I can change my very destiny with just a TV, a telephone and a credit card.  Where did I get this power?  Infomercials. Don't laugh. Try watching one for just a few minutes. These glorified, blockbuster commercials are fascinating and addicting. See for yourself how these products have changed the lives of ordinary people like you and me.  Still not convinced?  Let a celebrity show you. Or a... 'doctor'.

From health and exercise, make-up and beauty, to cooking and cleaning, these ads of epic proportion will show you the way to a better life. You can awaken in the morning feeling completely rested after sleeping on a mattress specially designed by NASA.  Refreshed because thanks to your new breathing device, you didn't snore.  That knowing smile on your face shows that you have discovered both whiter teeth and the secret to true passion (no prescription necessary in Cuba, St. Croix or New Jersey).  

Looking into the streak free mirror (using only micro fiber cloths and plain water) you know you look marvelous.  Your skin is clear and you have a lot less wrinkles. You tanned in one hour, got thicker, softer hair and quickly removed all the split ends.  After showering you can remove unwanted hair from your legs, bikini zone, and upper lip with a disposable, battery operated device that can also trim shrubbery. Looking down, you raise your perfectly sculpted eyebrows. Is that a stain on the bedroom rug? No problem. Just clean it with your bottle of 'Carpet Psychic' to completely remove it right down to the padding underneath it.  Now that all of your furniture rests on plastic disks, you can move any piece across the room without needing physical therapy afterwards.

You roll out your personal Complete Home Gym In A Shoebox, conveniently stored under your bed and work out all of your major muscle groups in less than 3 minutes. You could afford those 3 low monthly payments of only $999 each, since you recently quit smoking in just seven days. With no cravings.

Oops!  It's time to go and pick up your great grandmother. How she loves being able to do her own shopping now that she has an Electric Granny Go-Cart. That company even did the paperwork for her, and threw in a handy shopping basket (some assembly required). The sun is shining brightly, but it doesn't bother you. You're wearing your polarized, glare and distortion free designer sunglasses worn by the cast of 'Friends' themselves. Fortunately after you accidentally dropped them last week while installing your virtually maintenance free gutter and downspout screens, you were able to borrow your neighbor's Eyeglass Cleaner/Polisher and Scratch Remover Pads. It was almost fun climbing up onto the roof with the new safety ladder. It really can be used in 1400 different positions and be kept in your wallet for easy storage. 

You wave at your sister as you drive by her house.  She smiles because she is effortlessly watering her lawn with a garden hose that never kinks and rolls up flat. She looks great, too. She recently lost 420 pounds while taking a pill that worked. Really worked. She knew it would. It cost $158 a bottle.  She's a new woman with a bright future. She completed an at home study course that not only taught her how to do her own taxes but how to purchase real estate for less than $5 down. She now owns half of Los Angeles. Oh no! Is that a ding in her new Porsche? Not to worry. She can borrow the bonus tool for popping out your own dents that came with the video and 400 page booklet, 'Why Pay A Professional When You Can DoIt Yourself?'  That kit sure came in handy last year when Uncle Phil suffered a heart attack and the doctor told him he needed bypass surgery. After reading chapter nine, Aunt Mae saved them tons of money by doing it herself using a sonic toothbrush and her food sealer (purchased separately). 

Thanks to infomercials, life is not only better, faster, easier, and cheaper, it's darn near perfect.  Guaranteed or your money back. Less shipping and handling, of course.