The Ten Commandments of Dieting

Well, here I am again. Dieting.

The way I gain and lose weight

makes me think I should have persued

a career on Wall Street.

I've been doing quite a bit of research on the subject.

Apparently, the first thing a determined dieter should do

is get rid of all the junk food in their cupboards. 

Okay. So I'm eating mine.

Does it really matter how you reach the goal?

Plus, according to the Scriptures 

it will actually keep me from getting hungry. 

"Waste not, want not." 

See?

Below are my Ten Commandments of Dieting,

tastefully written after years of experience.

  They don't actually work, 

but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  

And sometimes, not gaining any more weight 

is just as good as losing it.  Bon Appetit! 

1)  Consuming a candy bar right before dinner 

will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2)Food additives are calorie-free.  

Examples: Icing on a cake, gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.

3) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  

Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  

Please note that since brown is a neutral color, 

chocolate can be substituted for any other food color.

4) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, 

will not count in your daily caloric total.  

Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, 

fund raisers, birthdays, retirements and 

Tupperware Parties.

  5) It is always permissible to eat some, 

if not all of your own birthday cake.

6) Candy consumed during the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag, filling an Easter Basket or Christmas Stocking is not subject to weight gain. 

It's required parenting.

7)  No matter what the label says, 

a package only contains one serving.  

A half gallon of ice cream, 

a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies...

8)  Any food with "empty calories" means no calories. 

Hence the word "empty".

9) If you want to eat candy without guilt, eat Tootsie Rolls. The vigourous chewing required to ingest these tasty morsels negate their caloric content. 

In fact, if you chew rapidly, you'll lose weight.

10) Since cardiologists have determined that 

dark chocolate is good for your heart,

it stands to reason that milk chocolate 

must be at least a little good for your heart. 

So go ahead. Eat healthy!

I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  

They are easier to memorize if you read them 

while eating a cream donut.

NOTE: The above mentioned article was written for entertainment purposes only. Results of following said 'Ten Commandments of Dieting' will not include weight loss. All references to actual nutritional information is purely coincidental and not meant to be used as a sound medical diet.

No Ordinary Day

Sitting here petting my dog on this 4th of July 
I realize that there is no such thing 
as an ordinary day.

Just as this date changed the course 
of American history  

it will also change the lives of others... 

forever.

Someone will be diagnosed with cancer.  

Somebody will be killed in an automobile accident.   Someone will lose their job.  

  A teenager will run away from home.  

A family will watch their house burn down.  

A child's puppy will be struck by a car.  

A soldier will be killed.  

A boy will have his heart broken. 

Someone will lose their last dollar in a casino. 

A grocery store clerk will be held up at gunpoint.  

A young woman will miscarry.  

A husband will hold his wife's hand in the Intensive Care Unit for the last time. 

A young man will say goodbye 

to the grandfather who raised him.   

A child will be abducted.  

Somewhere, a heroin addict 

will overdose for the last time.  

An angry man will murder his wife.  

 A woman will find a lump in her breast.  

A man will be sentenced to prison 

for the rest of his life.   

A drunk will pick up his car keys.   

All these things are happening
to people just like me... 

somewhere in the world. 

Right now.  This very minute.  

While I sit here and pet my dog. 

I am stunned.  

Desperately searching for some glimmer of hope 

I realize that on this very same day...

A baby will be born.  

A young couple will get married.  

A lost kitten will be found.  

Someone will get a promotion.  

  A teenage boy will buy his first car.  

A young wife will discover 

that after years of trying, she's finally pregnant.  

A doctor will tell a worried family that the operation was a success.  

A young lady will have flowers 

delivered to her door.  

Two childhood friends will take off 

on a trip to Greece.  A singer will have a #1 hit.  

A child will be returned to his mother.  

A mortgage application will be approved.  

A dentist will inform a 5-year-old 

he doesn't have any cavities. 

A writer will sell her first book. 

And perhaps most importantly,
a life-long sinner will find Jesus Christ.

All this will happen on a most ordinary day.... today.

Always remember...
there is no such thing as an ordinary day.
Every day is a special day.

Each day is the beginning

or the end of someone's life.
An opportunity for salvation.

Make it count!

But wait!

I now realize that I have the power to make my life happier, easier and healthier without even leaving the comfort of my own living room. I can change my destiny with just a TV, a cellphone and a credit card.  Where did I get this power?  Infomercials.  Don't laugh. Try watching one. These glorified, blockbuster commercials are fascinating and addicting.  See for yourself how these products have changed the lives of ordinary people like you and me.  Still not convinced? Let a celebrity show you.  Or a doctor.

From health and exercise, make-up and beauty, to cooking and cleaning, these ads of epic proportion will show you the way to a better life. You can awaken in the morning, completely rested after sleeping on His Pillow. Even your partner will be fully refreshed because thanks to your new C-Pap machine, you won't snore. Looking into the streak-free mirror (using only microfiber cloths and plain water) you know you look marvelous. Your skin is clear, your teeth are whiter and you have fewer wrinkles. You tanned in one hour, got thicker hair, and now you're ready to send off a specimen to determine your heritage using your own DNA.

 After showering you can remove unwanted hair from your legs, bikini zone, and upper lip with a disposable, battery operated device that can also trim shrubbery. Looking down, you raise your perfectly sculpted eyebrows. Is that a stain on the bedroom rug?  No problem. Just clean it with your bottle of 'Carpet Psychic' to completely remove it right down to the padding underneath. Now that your furniture rests on plastic disks, you can effortlessly move any piece across the room without needing physical therapy. 

Oops!  It's time to go and pick up your grandmother. How she loves doing her own shopping now that she has an Electric Granny Go-Cart.  That company even did the paperwork for her and threw in a handy shopping basket (some assembly required). The sun is shining brightly, but it doesn't bother you. You're wearing your polarized, glare and distortion free designer sunglasses worn by the cast of 'This Is Us' themselves.  

You wave at your sister as you drive by her house.  She smiles because she is watering her lawn with a garden hose that never kinks and rolls up flat.  She looks great, too.  She already lost 220 pounds by sticking to a diet endorsed by Oprah herself! And she can even eat BREAD!! She's a new woman with a bright future.  She knows it -- because she's next in line for a miracle!

Thanks to infomercials, life is not only better, faster, easier, and cheaper, it's darn near perfect.  Guaranteed or your money back. BUT WAIT!! If you order now they'll send you TWO! Separate shipping and handling, of course.

Ten Christmases

It's that very special time of year. Again. Some look forward to it. Some dread it. It brings joy. And it brings sorrow. But it always leaves lasting memories. Each and every one of us makes a mark on the hearts of others. Let's try to leave fingerprints... not smudges.

I always put out this post I originally wrote in 2005 in the hopes that maybe I can help make your holidays a little easier and your memories a bit brighter. Maybe I just need a yearly reminder myself! In any case... here it is. 

Ten Christmases

                                            

Ten Christmases from now

you won't remember
how many lights you put up.

How many cards you got back,

or how many parties you were invited to.

You'll never remember
if it snowed on Christmas Eve,

or if anyone came late for Christmas dinner.

No one will recall how much time and money

you spent shopping, 

or how nicely you wrapped the gifts.

It won't be important anymore
that your house

wasn't neat and tidy 

when company stopped by to visit.

Ten Christmases from now

you'll only remember 
baking cookies with the kids. 
Drinking hot chocolate 

after Christmas Mass,

and stealing kisses under the mistletoe

with the one you love.

You'll still remember visiting old friends, 

reading Christmas stories to the children,

and calling your grandmother
to tell her how much you loved 
the afghan she crocheted for you.

When you close your eyes 
ten Christmases from now

you'll smile when you remember 

the looks on your kids faces
when they woke up and discovered 
Santa had eaten all the cookies 

they left out for him.

Ten Christmases from now 

the only memories you'll cherish 

will be the ones 

you hold in your heart.

The smiles, the laughter, the joy, the singing,

and the hugs.

Christmas is love. Fill your heart with it.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and Readers.

Here's hoping that 2018 will be a great year for all of us!
One more thing...
Happy Birthday to my husband, Bob!
I love you honey!

Good Luck!

Many friends have wished me luck with my newly released children's book

'The Snow Lord and the Spring Fairy'.

I appreciate their good wishes,

and decided to look into this thing

we call 'luck'.

 I wanted to see if there was any way

to get more of it or simply enhance my own.
  
It seems everyone has heard of luck,
believes in luck, hopes for better luck,

but no one has ever been able to prove that luck really even exists.
 

  Apparently there are degrees of luck, 
and some kinds are better than others.  
There's good luck, bad luck, potluck, blind luck, 
sheer luck and no luck at all.
   

  I’ll tell you what I have learned so far…   
Some people are just ‘born lucky’ 
or always seem to have 'beginners luck’.  
Occasionally it's easy to see just how lucky
you are as in ‘sheer luck’, 
but sometimes you can't see it at all 
as in ‘blind luck’.  
There's the macho brand as in ‘hard luck’ 
and ‘tough luck’, 
or the directional kind 
as in ‘down on his luck’.  
There's artistic luck, like ‘luck of the draw’ 
or the culinary variety as in ‘pot luck’.  
Some people enjoy action luck, 
where you ‘press your luck’, or ‘push your luck’, 
or have sportsman's luck 
like a ‘run of bad luck’ or a ‘stroke of luck’.  
There's present tense luck as in 
“this is your lucky day” 
and future tense luck as in “better luck tomorrow”.  
There's possessive luck like ‘my luck’, 
‘your luck’ and ‘our luck’.
  
It’s been speculated 
that luck may have a will of it's own...  
"as luck would have it", or “if luck is on my side”.   
 
If you're curious, you can always ‘try your luck’, 
and if no one believes you deserve 
your good fortune
they will say you have ‘dumb luck’ or ‘pure luck’.
  
Don't get too confident though. 
You may have been born lucky 
but there may come a time
when you ‘run out of luck’.
     Yes ... Luck has always been a politically correct, 
equal opportunity, all occasion greeting.  
We wish other people “good luck” when they give birth or adopt a child, 
go on a blind date or get married, 
get sent to prison or go off to college, 
get fired or get promoted, 
land a new job or finally retire, 
move away or move in, 
buy a lottery ticket or a bingo card, 
go off to war or try white water rafting, 
enter a convent or get placed in a nursing home, 
try out for High School track 
or attempt to break a record 
on the US Olympic Team.
  
It doesn't matter whether you are coming up to bat in Little League Baseball or The World Series … 
we all wish you “Good luck!”  
   
So … 
in the celebratory words of Clint Eastwood…

“Are you feeling … lucky?” 

In any event...
Wish me luck!
Better yet... say a prayer for me!

Shhh! Sneak Preview!

If Santa is good to me this year, my brand new children's book,

'The Snow Lord and the Spring Fairy' 

will be out in time for Christmas!

It will be sold on Amazon.

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to various groups dedicated to saving our precious rainforests.

If your school library would like to have a free copy or you know a child between the ages of 5 and 12 who would enjoy this book

but can't afford it, write to me.

I'll see what I can do.

I always wanted to be one of Santa's elves!

Here's a sneak preview:

After the Paradise Prince lost his princess

in a tragic accident,

he couldn’t bear to live on their beautiful, 

tropical island anymore.

Grief-stricken, he moved to the most desolate place on earth

– the Antarctic.

Now known as the Snow Lord, he lives in an ice castle

 with his only friend,

an albatross named Riley.

Evolet, the Spring Fairy, knew her flowers couldn’t survive

in the Snow Lord’s icy domain, 

but she planted them anyway.

Now she’s his captive – confined to a cage.

She must find a way to escape 

or there won’t be any flowers this spring. How?

She’ll have to rely on the same plucky optimism 

that got her into this mess.

 

And sometimes you're the bug...

When I first started writing this blog years ago my mission statement was that someday I wanted to find my place in the world. Where I wasn't just 'The Occupant' of my domain. I wanted to be the owner. Where 'all the mail was addressed to me'. I came close so many times. I could taste it. Feel it. Now I wonder... how many times does a person have to fall off a bike before they realize that they just can't ride? Apparently many times.

I've been writing and dreaming of becoming a successful author since I was a little girl. My first taste of success was writing a daily blog on AOL back in 2003. I was named 'AOL's Editor's Choice' TWICE! For a few hours on those two days if you signed onto AOL you'd see my picture and a description of my blog (and a link to it) on the opening page! I was actually contacted by a literary agency in New York City who wanted me to re-write the blog and have it published in book form. I was on my way (or so I thought).

Well, AOL decided to stop offering blogs so I moved to Blogger. But without a forwarding address I lost most of my Readers. After talking to the NY agents for a few hours I knew I wouldn't be able to write all about my adventures as a newly divorced, middle aged woman from NJ including all the details they wanted without dredging up quite a few bad memories that were anything but funny and embarrassing my children, so I had to decline their offer.

As a very unusual but exciting Christmas gift my kids purchased a comedy workshop course for me at a local community college. "You're a natural!" they assured me. I did take the course and actually appeared in ten shows in the months following graduation. Although my kids probably thought I was on my way, unfortunately, I discovered that I suffered with an extreme case of stage fright that never got any better so I decided to give up performing in public.

I returned to writing and after numerous rejections I got my first book published with Devine Destinies in 2010.  Signing that contract was every bit as exciting as giving birth to a beautiful child. This time I was sure I was on my way. Alas, 'Passing Whispers' was only available as an Ebook and for some reason it didn't sell. Even my friends preferred a printed version. I put out a book trailer which I hoped would get the attention of the people who produce movies for Hallmark. It would make a wonderful Hallmark Christmas movie! Until it didn't. But I'm still hoping! I didn't renew my contract in 2012 and haven't found another publisher as yet.

In 2015 I found Tate Publishing who agreed to publish my first children's book 'There's a Monster In My Closet!' Much more successful than 'Passing Whispers' I thought I had found my niche as well as my way. Tate also agreed to publish my second children's book 'The Snow Lord and the Spring Fairy'. That book was supposed to be released in March 2017. Once again, fate intervened and Tate Publishing closed its doors before the book ever hit the shelves of Amazon.

Now I know all the stories about other authors like Stephen King, whose wife retrieved his last novel out of the trash where he had thrown it, only to see it discovered by a different publisher who put it out and made King a household name. Or the story about J.K. Rowling who considered suicide after years of depression and failure before introducing the world to Harry Potter, one of the most successful book series of all time.

My problem is I'm already 62 years old and I don't have an entire lifetime ahead of me to find success. Of course if you view that in the 'glass half full' sense, I am closer to the potential 'fame after death' phenomenon like Emily Dickinson, Johann Bach and Vincent van Gogh. Just kidding.
The very thought of leaving behind a legacy of greatness someday makes shopping for a tombstone a lot easier. Dare I say... exciting?

Of course that all depends on whether I'm luckier after death than I was in life. Hmmm. That thought gives new meaning to the phrase "I'm on my way!"

Turn the lights off, will you?

PS: I have a few hundred copies of 'There's A Monster In My Closet!' left that just happen to be available to you at cost. Email me and I'd be happy to sign them for a beloved child of your choice. Not a bad investment especially if I do become famous someday. Your book would be worth a fortune! Just think van Gogh! 
$6.99 includes free shipping for soft covers.
$11.99 includes free shipping for hard cover
Email me at: LisaBrooksBooks@aol.com. And no, I won't sell your information. I can't even sell mine!