Controlled Substances

It has come to my attention that since I have been so immersed in re-writing my novel the following situations have occurred:

1) Laundry: We have no underwear.  Even the emergency supply of older underwear is now dirty and lying beside the overflowing hamper.
2) Errands: We are out of dog treats.
3) Dusting: It is so dusty in here that it has been suggested that if anyone were to accidentally drop a seed it could take root and grow.
4) Dishes: We have no clean dishes or flatware.  The dishwasher is full.

5) Health: Nothing's getting firmer if there's dust on the rower!
6) Communication: Avid rock climbers are now asking to climb the pile of junk mail on my kitchen table for training purposes. I have over 25,000 unread Emails.
7) Beauty: My legs and brows are almost as hairy as Bob's.
8) Maintenance: There is still a Christmas wreath hanging on our front door. All my houseplants have died. 

Needless to say, I need to get my priorities in order, stop procrastinating, and get to work. So I am going to have to stop blogging on a regular basis, and just write one whenever I get the chance. 

 As soon as I finish this cup of coffee I am so out of here. The laundry is as good as done. 

I'm not even going to sign onto Facebook later to check my notifications. See? I'm already doing so well. You won't be seeing any humorous comments from me. Nope. I'll have to forgo wishing my friends a happy birthday. Stop posting cute videos and sharing meaningful sayings. No likes or LOL's. No shares. New friends will have to wait.  

Uh-oh. I think Bob is walking over to pull the plug! He's yelling, "PUT THE MOUSE DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!" Isn't he just too cute?  I should write an entry on all the cute things he does!  But not today. Sigh. OH, ALL RIGHT!  Don't forget me, guys!!  I'll be back!

For All My Sisters!

Every time I pass the new rowing machine 

in the living room I feel guilty. 

In my mind, I can hear my mother's voice saying,

"Do you know there are millions of flabby people 

in other countries that would just LOVE 

to have an exercise machine like that?"  

So today I decided to give it a try.  

I wasn't nearly as coordinated or graceful 

as I thought I was, 

but everything always evens out.  

I wasn't nearly as thin and firm 

as I thought I was either.  

Which is pretty discouraging since I really didn't imagine myself as the picture of physical fitness in the first place.  

Just like all of my past projects, 

I have more work ahead of me than I thought.  

Of course, if I gave up Entenmann's Pastries, Tastykakes, and Dunkin' Donuts 

I would probably get into shape a lot faster.  

But... I'm 63 years old.  

How good should I look anyway?  

Do I really want all of my girlfriends 

to end up hating me?  

Do I want to make other women my age 

feel bad about themselves in comparison?  

It will be hard enough on them when they see 

what great endurance, stamina and flexibility 

I'll soon have.  

How egotistical would it be 

for me to also become thin, firm and have 

zero percent body fat as well?  

NO!  I am NOT that kind of woman!  

I will not cause my Sisters In Menopausal Madness any more misery than they already have!  

Today... I am going to buy a dozen Dunkin' Donuts!  It's the right thing to do.

WHO are...THEY?

They say we're in for scorching heat 

this week in Jersey.  

Who are they anyway?  

I don't think I've ever 

met one of them before.  

If we were to analyze this, we could assume 

that there is more than one, 

since we always refer to them in the plural form.  It's never 'he' or 'she' ... it's always they. 

I would guess that they are young.  

Most likely under the age of thirty, 

since they seem to have an opinion 

on just about everything.  

If they were employed, 

married or had children, 

they wouldn't have time 

to just go around saying things.  

Maybe there aren't as many of them 

as we think there are.  

They just want us to think so.  

I know that I am not one of them.  

No one ever listens to anything I say.  

Especially my kids.  

And yet I have heard all three 

refer to them many  times in the past.  

OMG!  Did you read what I just wrote?  

'All three of ...THEM!'  

Is it possible that MY kids are actually ... THEM?  

In a way it makes sense. Each one of my kids 

thinks they know it all.  

And I DO have more than one child ...  

hence THEM.'

Is it possible that my kids 

really do know everything?   

That every word they utter is carefully recorded 

so it can be repeated whenever necessary?  

Is this theory even POSSIBLE?  

Am I actually the mother of the chosen few?  

Of ... THEM?  

The Grand Poobahs behind every fact, speculation, prediction and rumor 

between Hollywood and Washington, D.C.?  

ME?  

MY KIDS?

THEM??

Nah.

CSI Clean!

I must admit that I watch too much TV.  

By far, my favorite shows are crime stories. Criminal Minds. Law and Order. 

Blue Bloods. Forensic Files. 

It's fascinating to watch the detectives gather evidence with scientific equipment.

But how can I justify my

interest in such shows?  

Will this knowledge help me at home?  

No matter how much I fantasize, 

when I dust my living room... 

it's not for fingerprints.

Blood spatter analysis

doesn't help me wipe up spills in the kitchen. 

The shows do affect my daily activities though. 

I get such satisfaction knowing that when I'm finished cleaning my house, 

the only dirt and fibers that could be obtained by the team at MY crime scene,

would have to be left 

by the perpetrator himself. 

Socially, I can see where a little forensic knowledge might alienate you.  

It's not polite to 'interrogate' the neighbors, 

and they DO notice when you're making mental notes on what brand of cigarettes they smoke, 

what size shoes they wear, 

and the existence and location 

of any tattoos they might have. 

Looking back on my life experiences, 

I realize that I have never been called upon 

to pick someone out of a lineup, describe a suspect to a sketch artist, 

or even look through any mug shots.  

It would be much more rewarding for me 

to watch a TV program on Bible study, 

health issues, or writing books. 

Do I worry that watching all these crime stories might make me paranoid?  

Not at all.  

I don't think it's asking too much for immediate family members and close friends 

to provide a small DNA sample 

for possible future forensic comparison.  Do you?

My Trash Conspiracy Theory

We missed the trash men again today. For some reason, they don't seem to stick to a schedule. Nothing screams failure louder than being the only person on the block with full trash cans. Dripping with humiliation as your neighbors drag in their empty ones.

Why does this happen? Unless a person had a big party, we put out the same amount of trash every week. Requiring the same amount of time to pick it up. I've spent years contemplating the  possible answer and here's my theory: 

I could be wrong, but collecting trash is probably not a highly stimulating occupation. It would only be natural for the workers to try to make it more exciting. 

I think, in their attempt to unwind, they gather at the end of the day and laugh themselves silly. Each is trying to top the other's story about who got  'left out' this week. They might even take pictures of the 'jilted' clients, standing at the end of their driveways in disbelief. Catch us scratching our heads and looking up and down the street in stunned silence. Searching for the reason why we missed trash day yet again. They post these photos on the walls of their office to re-live the incidents at every opportunity.

"Look at this one!" one says pointing to his favorite victim. "Remember Mrs. L in her pink robe and bunny slippers when she missed us for the second week in a row?  She stood there cursing for 20 minutes!" I can imagine them doubled over with laughter. 

"I got that beat!" another chimes in, removing a tattered photograph from his wallet to share with the others. "I  waited around the corner till this guy drug out all six of his trash cans. After he went back into his house, I picked up every can on his  street–except HIS!" Gasping with laughter, he passes the photo around to his eager listeners. "Notice the look on his face when he sees all his trash still sitting there. He thinks he's lost his mind!"  

Another dumpster devil jumps into the conversation. "That's classic, my friend! Isn't he the stockbroker with the solid gold name plates on his lids?" 

The man holding the picture is laughing so hard, all he can do is nod.

That must be it. We are merely today's entertainment and tomorrow's trophies. Unwitting participants in the game of trash collection. Doomed to remain dateless for the prom and unpicked to play dodge ball in the 5th grade.

Still, we hold on to the glimmer of hope that next week we'll be one of the lucky ones bringing in an empty trash can.

The article above is purely fictional and written with loving, sarcastic humor. It in no way implies my dissatisfaction with the hard working trash collectors who, in my opinion, deserve to make more money than any other government employee and live in the lap pf luxury.

The Ten Commandments of Dieting

Well, here I am again. Dieting.

The way I gain and lose weight

makes me think I should have persued

a career on Wall Street.

I've been doing quite a bit of research on the subject.

Apparently, the first thing a determined dieter should do

is get rid of all the junk food in their cupboards. 

Okay. So I'm eating mine.

Does it really matter how you reach the goal?

Plus, according to the Scriptures 

it will actually keep me from getting hungry. 

"Waste not, want not." 

See?

Below are my Ten Commandments of Dieting,

tastefully written after years of experience.

  They don't actually work, 

but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  

And sometimes, not gaining any more weight 

is just as good as losing it.  Bon Appetit! 

1)  Consuming a candy bar right before dinner 

will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2)Food additives are calorie-free.  

Examples: Icing on a cake, gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.

3) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  

Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  

Please note that since brown is a neutral color, 

chocolate can be substituted for any other food color.

4) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, 

will not count in your daily caloric total.  

Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, 

fund raisers, birthdays, retirements and 

Tupperware Parties.

  5) It is always permissible to eat some, 

if not all of your own birthday cake.

6) Candy consumed during the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag, filling an Easter Basket or Christmas Stocking is not subject to weight gain. 

It's required parenting.

7)  No matter what the label says, 

a package only contains one serving.  

A half gallon of ice cream, 

a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies...

8)  Any food with "empty calories" means no calories. 

Hence the word "empty".

9) If you want to eat candy without guilt, eat Tootsie Rolls. The vigourous chewing required to ingest these tasty morsels negate their caloric content. 

In fact, if you chew rapidly, you'll lose weight.

10) Since cardiologists have determined that 

dark chocolate is good for your heart,

it stands to reason that milk chocolate 

must be at least a little good for your heart. 

So go ahead. Eat healthy!

I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  

They are easier to memorize if you read them 

while eating a cream donut.

NOTE: The above mentioned article was written for entertainment purposes only. Results of following said 'Ten Commandments of Dieting' will not include weight loss. All references to actual nutritional information is purely coincidental and not meant to be used as a sound medical diet.

No Ordinary Day

Sitting here petting my dog on this 4th of July 
I realize that there is no such thing 
as an ordinary day.

Just as this date changed the course 
of American history  

it will also change the lives of others... 

forever.

Someone will be diagnosed with cancer.  

Somebody will be killed in an automobile accident.   Someone will lose their job.  

  A teenager will run away from home.  

A family will watch their house burn down.  

A child's puppy will be struck by a car.  

A soldier will be killed.  

A boy will have his heart broken. 

Someone will lose their last dollar in a casino. 

A grocery store clerk will be held up at gunpoint.  

A young woman will miscarry.  

A husband will hold his wife's hand in the Intensive Care Unit for the last time. 

A young man will say goodbye 

to the grandfather who raised him.   

A child will be abducted.  

Somewhere, a heroin addict 

will overdose for the last time.  

An angry man will murder his wife.  

 A woman will find a lump in her breast.  

A man will be sentenced to prison 

for the rest of his life.   

A drunk will pick up his car keys.   

All these things are happening
to people just like me... 

somewhere in the world. 

Right now.  This very minute.  

While I sit here and pet my dog. 

I am stunned.  

Desperately searching for some glimmer of hope 

I realize that on this very same day...

A baby will be born.  

A young couple will get married.  

A lost kitten will be found.  

Someone will get a promotion.  

  A teenage boy will buy his first car.  

A young wife will discover 

that after years of trying, she's finally pregnant.  

A doctor will tell a worried family that the operation was a success.  

A young lady will have flowers 

delivered to her door.  

Two childhood friends will take off 

on a trip to Greece.  A singer will have a #1 hit.  

A child will be returned to his mother.  

A mortgage application will be approved.  

A dentist will inform a 5-year-old 

he doesn't have any cavities. 

A writer will sell her first book. 

And perhaps most importantly,
a life-long sinner will find Jesus Christ.

All this will happen on a most ordinary day.... today.

Always remember...
there is no such thing as an ordinary day.
Every day is a special day.

Each day is the beginning

or the end of someone's life.
An opportunity for salvation.

Make it count!