My Trash Conspiracy Theory

We missed the trash men again today. For some reason, they don't seem to stick to a schedule. Nothing screams failure louder than being the only person on the block with full trash cans. Dripping with humiliation as your neighbors drag in their empty ones.

Why does this happen? Unless a person had a big party, we put out the same amount of trash every week. Requiring the same amount of time to pick it up. I've spent years contemplating the  possible answer and here's my theory: 

I could be wrong, but collecting trash is probably not a highly stimulating occupation. It would only be natural for the workers to try to make it more exciting. 

I think, in their attempt to unwind, they gather at the end of the day and laugh themselves silly. Each is trying to top the other's story about who got  'left out' this week. They might even take pictures of the 'jilted' clients, standing at the end of their driveways in disbelief. Catch us scratching our heads and looking up and down the street in stunned silence. Searching for the reason why we missed trash day yet again. They post these photos on the walls of their office to re-live the incidents at every opportunity.

"Look at this one!" one says pointing to his favorite victim. "Remember Mrs. L in her pink robe and bunny slippers when she missed us for the second week in a row?  She stood there cursing for 20 minutes!" I can imagine them doubled over with laughter. 

"I got that beat!" another chimes in, removing a tattered photograph from his wallet to share with the others. "I  waited around the corner till this guy drug out all six of his trash cans. After he went back into his house, I picked up every can on his  street–except HIS!" Gasping with laughter, he passes the photo around to his eager listeners. "Notice the look on his face when he sees all his trash still sitting there. He thinks he's lost his mind!"  

Another dumpster devil jumps into the conversation. "That's classic, my friend! Isn't he the stockbroker with the solid gold name plates on his lids?" 

The man holding the picture is laughing so hard, all he can do is nod.

That must be it. We are merely today's entertainment and tomorrow's trophies. Unwitting participants in the game of trash collection. Doomed to remain dateless for the prom and unpicked to play dodge ball in the 5th grade.

Still, we hold on to the glimmer of hope that next week we'll be one of the lucky ones bringing in an empty trash can.

The article above is purely fictional and written with loving, sarcastic humor. It in no way implies my dissatisfaction with the hard working trash collectors who, in my opinion, deserve to make more money than any other government employee and live in the lap pf luxury.