A Public Service Announcement

As a retired registered nurse, I am frequently asked about HMO Insurances. I'd like to take this opportunity to explain some of the details your doctor and employer may have neglected to tell you.

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually an abbreviation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked in the eye. 


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose a doctor?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing the winning numbers of the lottery. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, that remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country. 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only the ones you need. 

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. 

Q. What if I want to try alternative forms of medicines?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. 

Q. My prescription plan only covers generic drugs, but I need a name brand. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need a specialist, but my doctor thinks he can handle all my needs. Can a general practitioner safely perform open heart surgery in his/her office? 
A. Hard to say, but since all your risking is the $30 co-payment, give it a shot.

 
Q. Will health care be different in the next century? 
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

I hope this has cleared up some of the misconceptions about HMO's. Now get out there and find a doctor!


PS:  The above material is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are sick, see a doctor, even if you don't have any insurance at all. You don't have anything if you don't have your health.