Thursday, September 20, 2018

HE Who Laughs Last...

I recently wrote what I thought was a lighthearted and humorous piece on the trials and tribulations of womanhood as compared to manhood. But fair is fair and I think the men should get equal billing. So here is another very funny piece (Warning: not to be taken seriously). For the record, I laughed almost as hard reading this one as I did reading the 'letter to Tide' that I featured yesterday. 

I must prepare you though. The following letter is very male chauvinistic and somewhat demeaning to women in general (especially middle-aged housewives), but the Tide letter wasn't exactly what you’d call 'man-friendly' either. Again, I have no idea who the author is, or I would gladly give him credit. 

A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, bent down and gave the husband a big, long kiss. She smiled and told him that she would see him later and walked away.
The wife glared at her husband. "Who was THAT?” she snarled.  "Oh", replied the husband," that was my mistress."
"That's the last straw!”, the wife shouted. "I’m going to call a lawyer!  I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that", the husband replied, "but remember… if you divorce me, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no BMW in the garage and no membership at the yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Marcus?" asked the wife.
"That's HIS mistress" answered her husband.

"Ours is prettier" she replied.

Now… before anyone even attempts to psychoanalyze me… let’s get a few things straight.  I am your average heavily middle-aged, middle-class, kinda over-weight, married, menopausal American woman living in New Jersey. 

Does that make me… cynical? You betcha.
Sarcastic?  Absolutely. Crazy? No doubt. Tired? Deservedly so. Psychotic? No.  

But just in case I offended anyone, let me take a stab at political correctness:

1) I do not think the subject of infidelity is a laughing matter (I didn’t think it was funny when it happened to me. I don’t now, and I doubt very much that I ever will).
2) I don't have anything against rich people or their lavish lifestyles  (Both Bob and I have every hope that we too, will be wealthy someday). 
3) I don’t think it’s easy being the ‘other woman’ OR the wife. Or the husband, the kid, the dog or the cat for that matter (not that cats mean less to me than dogs. The sentence just sounded better using the word 'dog' first).
4) I’m not bitter and I don’t think that men cheat on women more often than women cheat on them (just that women usually come up with better reasons (excuses) than men. Not that men couldn't do just as well if they applied themselves. Not that there is EVER a good reason (excuse) for anyone to cheat in the first place. And not that men never apply themselves. I have personally known several men who always strived to apply themselves at every opportunity).
5) I don't hate men, and I do enjoy being a woman.  I still feel sexy, and hopefully, I always will.
6) While it is true I don't like getting older, I'm not depressed about it (please note that I have nothing against BEING depressed. I have nothing against older people. I’m in training to be one myself).
7) I’m not insecure and I have never insisted, expected or needed Bob to tell me that I’m beautiful, nor does he feel obligated to do so (which isn’t meant to indicate that I look down on people who ARE insecure).
8) I always, ALWAYS look for the humor in everything (but I have nothing against people who don’t).
9) I can be serious when I need to be (but I don’t criticize people who can’t).
10) MOST IMPORTANT: This joke applies to everyone over age 18. Man or woman. Republican or Democrat. For or Against Trump. 

There.  I think I’ve covered just about everything.   If I were any more politically correct I'd be running for President and I don't think this country is ready for THAT... Just in case— I'm Lisa Brooks and I approved this entry.

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