You bet I'm old!

I finally decided that since I can't stop the aging process I might as well make the most of it. Once you accept the inevitable, you're free to explore the possibilities!

Watching TV commercials has introduced me to a whole new world of convenience. Hurri-Canes. Granny Go-Carts. Depends (the pretty ones). Walk-In Tubs (I must admit the heated seat, jets, and aromatherapy sound pretty good!) The cell phones and iPads for seniors look easy. I can eat corn on the cob again if I get dentures and use Polygrip. Who needs a home security system when I can wear an emergency button around my neck? Someone will even talk back to me if I'm lost or have a medical question. How cool is that? Hearing aids are now discreet and you can eavesdrop on conversations across the room! 

My kids don't need to feel they're neglecting me anymore... I can have my very own 'angel' visit every day, fold my laundry and pretend she's interested in looking at my old photos. For just pennies a day I can have the funeral of my dreams! My family won't be left with unpaid bills, so they'll have lots of money to buy me a really pretty floral arrangement. 

With senior discounts, clubs, make-up, fab resorts, dating sites, and swinging complexes—getting old has never been more exciting. I bet soon you'll hear savvy men and women saying, "I'm 54 and A HALF years old," cause they can't wait to join AARP. For the second time in our lives, we'll be using fake ID's.

20/20

I hate wearing glasses. At this point in my life, it's just one more thing that I put down and can't find later when I need them.  Unfortunately, I can't read a thing without them.  

Like menus. If I couldn't tell I was holding it upside down, does the waiter think that turning it around for me will make a difference? Since I can't wear my glasses in the shower how am supposed to tell the difference between the shampoo and the conditioner? The more powerful and expensive an anti-wrinkle cream is, the smaller the tube is that it comes in. Who do they think will be straining to read that microscopic print? 

The thermostat. I gave up trying to see the numbers on the display. The heat in our house is usually somewhere between sweaty and chattering teeth.  Remote Controls for TV. Most of the time I just push any old button and watch whatever brings up a picture. If I accidentally hit the 'off' button, I can always sign onto the computer.  

Microwaves. If you want me to heat it up for you it will be barely warm or liquid molten lava.  Watches.  f you ask me what time it is, the best I can do is hold out my arm so YOU can look at it. When did they stop putting seconds hands on watches?  

Caller ID. What good is it? Unless one of us is wearing our glasses when the phone rings, we have no idea who's calling. Cell phones. I have all my most frequently dialed and important phone numbers programmed into mine. But half the calls I make are to the wrong people. No big deal though.  By the time we hang up, I probably won't remember who I wanted to call in the first place.

A Public Service Announcement

As a retired registered nurse, I am frequently asked about HMO Insurances. I'd like to take this opportunity to explain some of the details your doctor and employer may have neglected to tell you.

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually an abbreviation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked in the eye. 


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose a doctor?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing the winning numbers of the lottery. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, that remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country. 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only the ones you need. 

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. 

Q. What if I want to try alternative forms of medicines?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. 

Q. My prescription plan only covers generic drugs, but I need a name brand. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need a specialist, but my doctor thinks he can handle all my needs. Can a general practitioner safely perform open heart surgery in his/her office? 
A. Hard to say, but since all your risking is the $30 co-payment, give it a shot.

 
Q. Will health care be different in the next century? 
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

I hope this has cleared up some of the misconceptions about HMO's. Now get out there and find a doctor!


PS:  The above material is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are sick, see a doctor, even if you don't have any insurance at all. You don't have anything if you don't have your health. 

I have that 'glow'!

It's a shame that menopausal hot flashes have no real purpose. I'm not talking about the once-in-a-while, uncomfortable feeling of warmth that some lucky women describe. I mean the all-encompassing, "Yes, my entire body has been thrust into a pizza oven and I am about to burst into flames!" kind of hot flash. 

I have them numerous times a day, which violently distracts me from whatever I'm doing, in an intense, often frenzied attempt to make it bearable. In between hot flashes, I'm dreading the next one. Many of my menopausal friends have been suffering from them for over 20 years! 

If no relief is in sight, can we make them WORTHWHILE? I have a few suggestions:

1) With so many baby boomers suffering from hot flashes, it's a shame no one can't figure out a way to capture all that heat and use it to a homeowner's advantage. We could lower our energy bills in the winter, heat pools in the summer and save the environment at the same time.

2) If the intense heat from a hot flash could be channeled and then shot out through the eyes or tips of fingers, menopausal women could sterilize a grandchild's dropped pacifier, dry clean her family's clothes, and steam clean carpets and drapes with a single glance. I'd even be willing to iron wrinkles out the clothes of strangers I met on the street. We could defrost dinner in a matter of seconds and melt chocolate for strawberry dipping or S'more preparation.

3) At the VERY LEAST, we should be able to conjure one up when we need one. Like walking out to the car on a frosty morning. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the instant warmth for a change? Eskimo women could keep the igloo toasty. Farmer's wives could hatch little chicks by the dozens. Moms could warm up their children after playing in the snow with just one hug. Aging nurses could warm blood and IV fluids right at the bedside. Sterilize instruments as the surgeon uses them.

I'm sure there must be dozens of uses for hot flashes. Can we find a silver lining to this dark and disturbing cloud? I can't see any danger in pursuing it. Besides... maybe the REAL cause of Global Warming is the number of baby boomers reaching menopause at the same time. Think about it. Millions of women hot flashing at the same time twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All over the world. I think that would certainly raise the earth's temp a few dangerous degrees. So the government should find a cure for them just to save Mother Earth. Right?

Alas, I am not a genius or a doctor. My only hope is that maybe some scientist will read this and get inspired. A Nobel Peace Prize may be at stake!

Spam Checkers

Maybe it's because I'm getting old and crotchety, but it doesn't take a lot to set me off now adays (including the fact that my spell checker firmly believes that 'now adays' is NOT a word. It IS! Isn't it?). 

However, there must be a certain amount of satisfaction derived from complaining. When I worked as a nursing supervisor everyone complained to me. I can only assume it's because it makes them feel better. So, today I want to rant about 'Word Verification'.

I enjoy reading many Blogs, and sometimes I leave a comment. Or, I TRY to leave a comment. I get it just right (one that will make everyone think I'm funny, clever and oh, so entertaining) and then that 'Word Verification' box comes up. Your comment will not be posted unless you type in the word that is written in the box. They claim it's to protect the Blog Writer from spam generated by computers. That only a human is able to read the 'Word Verification'.

This rubs me in all the wrong places (and usually causes me to suffer additional hot flashes I might not have had) for several reasons.

1) I write a Blog. I would gladly erase spam comments from my Blog if it made it easier for Readers to comment. I want my Readers to enjoy themselves while they're here, not suffer even one teensy speck of extra frustration. I personally know many of my Readers and believe me when I say they don't need any more frustration in their lives.

2) Does someone actually think that HUMANS don't write spam messages?

3) I'm middle-aged with LOTS of company. We Baby Boomers will soon be in the majority. (Yea Us!) Most of the time I can't READ the 'Word Verification'. They write what they think is a cleverly disguised word for us to re-type. The word is usually twisted. Sometimes the letters are typed close together, and it's hard to distinguish one from another. Often, I'm not sure if the letter is a lower case 'L' or an upper case 'I'. 

I never get it on the first attempt. Occasionally, my initial frustration is exasperated by the entire comment being erased. The one that I so cleverly wrote, but can't remember now. 

WHY DO THEY DO THIS? Why can't we just write a darn comment, and then let the Blog writer decide whether to post it or not? Why does every little thing have to be so hard? 

Where's my wine?

Leave me a comment. If you can!

Procrastination

My husband Bob officially retired last December. Since then, we've been so busy we now wonder how we had time to work. We just can't seem to get the hang of 'retirement'.
Fearing we might squander all of the time we have left on our roads to eventual demise, I'm taking today OFF! 

The question is... where to start?  The possibilities are endless. I sit here bursting with anticipation and excitement. 

Home alone (Bob decided to use HIS day training hunting dogs) there is absolutely nothing to distract me or interfere in my progress.  I feel a sense of power. Impending accomplishment.   

But, planning is everything. I shouldn't waste a day like today on something menial or insignificant. I'll hate myself tonight if I don't accomplish something important.

But where should I start? 

I am not going to waste a single second.  I won't do anything that could be done on an ordinary weekend. This is too special a day to squander recklessly.   

I could sort through all my old photographs and put them into an album. That's something I've been wanting to do for years, and it would certainly give me a great sense of satisfaction. But a project of such monumental proportions would take much more time than one day would permit, so I better save it for when I have a Special Week.  

Of course, I doubt that I will ever have an entire week where I don't have any plans.  But you never know. I could get hurt... and have to take a month off to recover.  I see it happen to other people all the time. Yes. It's not a matter of IF... it's a matter of when. So when I hurt myself, I will definitely sort through all of my old photographs. It's good to know that I won't be lying on the couch wondering what to do with myself if I sprain an ankle. I have a PLAN.

But what to do today? 

I have to bear in my mind that whatever I decide to do, I must have it finished by the time Bob gets home. He hates it when I'm working and he's not. The only thing worse than an un-started project is a half completed one. Hmmmmmm... 

On the other hand, I can't sit around all day on the computer, wandering aimlessly from one website to another. Browsing exotic vacations we can't afford to take, researching rare illnesses I'll never get, and entering contests I'll never win. Then again, life is funny. You never know when something odd might happen. I hate being unprepared.  Somebody has to win the contest.  Odds are that sooner or later it will be me. Should I just give up and not enter them? How pessimistic is that? And if I did win, wouldn't it be nice to already know where I want to go on vacation?  

And what if... the pain I've always had in my right wrist really ISN'T tendonitis? What if it's a symptom of something more... sinister? Perhaps it could be a condition that if caught early, might be survivable? Now THERE'S a worthwhile cause.  Saving my own life! What's the sense in planning projects if I'm DYING? 

I'm glad I thought this through!  Thank God I took today off! This might take all afternoon!

I better get to it... I'm not one to procrastinate! 

Get Your Gift

Think about it.

You're given a magnificent gift.

All you have to do is accept it.

The gift will give you eternal life in a world beyond your wildest dreams.

Of course, you'd accept the gift.

Wouldn't you?

It's a no-brainer.

It cost the giver His life. He knew it would,

but he cared about you so much he gave his life willingly.

You discover that He wants to give the same gift to your children.

Your family, friends, and neighbors.

But they have to accept the gift before it's too late.

If they die first, they'll spend eternity in hell.

A place worse than your greatest fears.

You'd make sure your kids new about the man.

Make them accept the gift so you could all spend eternity together.

What kind of parent wouldn't want that for their children?

And yet, there are millions, maybe billions of people in the world

who won't accept the gift. Or tell their kids about it.

Why?

Are they crazy? Stupid?

If a stranger was giving away hundred dollar bills

I doubt there'd be a single person who would refuse.

And yet this man, the one who not only wants to give you eternal life, 

but also gave his life for us,

is turned away on a daily basis.

Just say:

 Thank you.

I accept your wonderful gift.

I certainly don't deserve it,

but I accept it.

And I will rush home and tell my family about you.

And my children. Friends and neighbors.

I love them all and I want them to share this gift with me.

And then I will spread the word to even those I've never met.

I want every person in the world to know that no matter how evil their past,

how many sins they've committed,

they will be forgiven.

That Jesus died on the cross for all of us.

Especially for the worst of us.

There is not a sin in the history of mankind

too evil to be washed away by the blood of the son of God.

What are you waiting for?

Death will claim all of us.

Accept your gift before it's too late.

Save your kids. It's your job.

Do it now.